Relationship Bridge Building

Parenting: Roots & Wings--My Story

I remember when my oldest son was sixteen and working as a waiter in a local diner. He became involved in a confrontation with a customer over a racial remark the customer made. When hearing the story, I was extremely proud that my son stood up for equality and fairness but was actually mortified by his immature, locker room behavior that he displayed! No, I will not print exactly what he did but suffice it to say that it was not a proud maternal moment.

My son and I had several conversations about this incident over the next few days and I was unable to get him to understand what he had done was inappropriate. Finally, he said to me, “Mom, I know you want me to say that I was wrong but I’m not ashamed of what I did. In fact, I would do exactly the same thing if the situation presents itself again.” Wow, I guess he told me!

I had to practice what I preach. His value system was not matching up with mine. It was very clear to me that he was “wrong”, however, in his world at that time, he did the “right” thing for him. When you give your child wings, you need to allow them to do things their own way even if you are sure a better way exists. You can offer your better way in the form of a suggestion, but then get out of the way and allow your child to make the decision and to manage the consequences that occur because of that decision.

This process helps our children become better decision makers. We talk with our children about all the choices that exist, and then examine the pros and cons of each choice. After that, we must step back and allow our children to make the decision that’s right for them. Then, we can talk to them about how things worked out but never protect them from the consequences of their decisions. This is where the learning takes place.

You are there to support them and help them manage the consequences but don’t intervene on their behalf and also don’t assume that “I told you so” attitude. That does not teach your child anything but not to come to you to talk things over anymore.

Check out our home study course, "Empowerment Parenting"  if you want to learn more.

Giving up External Control in Relationships

Q: I attended a one-day workshop you did about a year ago in Choice Theory and I am really trying to apply what I learned in my relationship with my husband. I find I do really well for a few days and then I fall back into my old external control  patterns. What can I do?

A: I don't know about you, but I know that for me, it is unrealistic to expect that a one-day workshop will totally undo 30-50 years of external control behavior. Research shows us that it takes 30-90 days to form a new habit. This is difficult to apply to using choice theory because there is no consistent application of it. For example, if someone is attempting to exercise daily, then exercise is done everyday. One cannot predict when one will be able to practice choice theory.   

I remember when I first learned Choice Theory in 1987, my children were three and five years-old. I committed to using CT with them and in my relationship with my husband. I wasn't always successful. Old habits are difficult to change. What I did do, though, was to continue to study CT. I became certified and then I continued on the instructor track. This continuous study is the thing that became instrumental in helping me internalize these concepts. It helped being around others who were as committed to the ideas as I was.   

This is actually one of the reasons that I offer coaching services. I wanted to offer people a way to stay connected to the learning and the consistent implementation of the ideas in their lives. A coach will help by providing alternatives to external control behavior. If you are serious about making a major change in your life, then hire a coach to help ensure your success, much in the same way you would hire a personal trainer when you embark on a new exercise routine.   Good luck, don't give up and keep up the good work.

To learn more about our coaching packages, click here.

Free Relationship Advice

Disagreements in relationships are inevitable. I have yet to meet a couple who always wanted the same things at the same time in the same way. Being two separate people means that at times, you will want different things, thus creating disagreements. How you manage these disagreements is key.   

There are some gender differences that come into play here. When a women is upset, she tends to keep quiet, believing that if her partner truly loves her, then he will KNOW what is wrong. When men get upset, they tend to withdraw within themselves while they are working out a possible solution. Women are generally ready to talk about problems much sooner than men and will attempt to work things out while their male companion is still working things out in his head. This can cause even further disruption in the relationship.   

One of the things I recommend first is that women need to express their needs and desires to their mate with as few words as possible. Women tend to go on and on about why they feel the way they do when that only tends to confuse the issue for the men.   

Secondly, women need to give men the space they need to retreat into themselves. Trust that they will return when they have a solution. Men need this space. Women who try to engage men prior to them being ready will not like the conversation they get.   

Thirdly, I want to see men honoring their women by listening to them and trying to understand their point of view without feeling the need to defend themselves. When a woman is upset, she typically speaks in absolutes such as, "You are NEVER home. You NEVER listen to me. You NEVER help out around here." She doesn't really mean "never" but she is venting and  needs you to understand the underlying meaning of what she says.   

Finally, I strongly recommend never going to bed angry at your partner. When we sleep on our anger and resentments, they tend to grow, making it even more difficult to start the healing process the next day.   There is a lot more to working out disagreements in relationships but this is a start.

Check out our home study course, "Relationships from the Inside Out" to learn more.

Relationship Quote

            

"The most important thing in any relationship is not what you get but what you give."
                         -- Elenore Roosevelt

       

       

This quote supports the work we do in the negotiation process with couples. Each person describes what is wrong with their relationship and then they are asked what is right with the relationship. The next question is, "If you could do something different all this week that would be a gift and a help to your relationship, what would you give?" It's not about getting what you want. It's not about coercing your partner to give you what you want. It's a simple gift that you give, from the heart without strings or expectiations. This is what makes it so powerful. Take our home study course called "Relationships from the Inside Out" and learn more about this powerful process.

Free Relationship Teleconference

Relationships from the Inside Out
            March 25, 2008
      8:45 - 9:45 p.m. EST

      

Learn the skills you need to create the relationship you deserve. Learn about the seven deadly relationship habits and how to replace them with loving and caring habits. You don't both have to be on the call. If you are the one who is most dissatisfied with your relationship, you can improve it without the involvement or cooperation of your partner. Let me show you how by registering for this empowering class today.

Free Inside Out Empowerment Mastermind Group

Q: I attended a one-day workshop you did about a year ago in Choice Theory and I am really trying to apply what I learned in my relationship with my husband. I find I do really well for a few days and then I fall back into my old external control  patterns. What can I do?

A: I don't know about you, but I know that for me, it is unrealistic to expect that a one-day workshop will totally undo 30-50 years of external control behavior. Research shows us that it takes 30-90 days to form a new habit. This is difficult to apply to using choice theory because there is no consistent application of it. For example, if someone is attempting to exercise daily, then exercise is done everyday. One cannot predict when one will be able to practice Choice Theory.   I remember when I first learned Choice Theory in 1987, my children were three and five years-old. I committed to using CT with them and in my relationship with my husband. I wasn't always successful. Old habits are difficult to change. What I did do, though, was to continue to study CT. I became certified and then I continued on the instructor track. This continuous study is the thing that became instrumental in helping me internalize these concepts. It helped being around others who were as committed to the ideas as I was.   

This is actually one of the reasons that I offer coaching services. I wanted to offer people a way to stay connected to the learning and the consistent implementation of the ideas in their lives. A coach will help by providing alternatives to external control behavior. If you are serious about making a major change in your life, then check out our FREE Inside Out Empowerment Mastermind Group. This group is for you if you are trying to implement Choice Theory or Inside Out Empowerment concepts in your life.

Four Rules for Relationship Conflicts

Disagreements in relationships are inevitable. I have yet to meet a couple who always wanted the same things at the same time in the same way. Being two separate people means that at times, you will want different things, thus creating disagreements. How you manage these disagreements is key.   

There are some gender differences that come into play here. When a women is upset, she tends to keep quiet, believing that if her partner truly loves her, then he will KNOW what is wrong. When men get upset, they tend to withdraw within themselves while they are working out a possible solution. Women are generally ready to talk about problems much sooner than men and will attempt to work things out while their male companion is still working things out in his head. This can cause even further disruption in the relationship.   

One of the things I recommend first is that women need to express their needs and desires to their mate with as few words as possible. Women tend to go on and on about why they feel the way they do when that only tends to confuse the issue for the men.   

Secondly, women need to give men the space they need to retreat into themselves. Trust that they will return when they have a solution. Men need this space. Women who try to engage men prior to them being ready will not like the conversation they get.   

Thirdly, I want to see men honoring their women by listening to them and trying to understand their point of view without feeling the need to defend themselves. When a woman is upset, she typically speaks in absolutes such as, "You are NEVER home. You NEVER listen to me. You NEVER help out around here." She doesn't really mean "never" but she is venting and  needs you to understand the underlying meaning of what she says.   

Finally, I strongly recommend never going to bed angry at your partner. When we sleep on our anger and resentments, they tend to grow, making it even more difficult to start the healing process the next day. 
There is a lot more to working out disagreements in relationships but this is a start. If you want to learn more, check out our Ultimate Couple Connection Home Study Course.

Gender Differences in Relationships

A second consideration is simply that there are major differences in how men are in relationships compared to how women are. Women generally don’t understand men because the men don’t act like women and similarly, men don’t understand women because they don’t act like men. And since a woman has never been a man and a man has never been a woman, how does each learn about these important differences? John Gray researched and wrote about these issues in his book, Men are from Mars; Women are from Venus. But I would say that the majority of people in relationships don’t take the time to learn about these gender differences. It is easier to point a finger and blame the other person for his or her “irrational” behavior.

You can learn more about respecting each other in your relationship by purchasing our Ultimate Couple Connection Home Study Course. You will receive 16 lessons sent to your email address every week packed full of information and advice on how you can improve your most important relationships.

Relationship Compatibility

There are many things to consider when speaking about couples and their challenges and areas for growth and development. The first is compatibility. I know there is an expression that says opposites attract and I believe there is some accuracy in that statement when you think of attraction as that chemical interaction that occurs when two people meet and are attracted. This chemical attraction doesn’t care what the other person’s values are, what is important to him or her, the personality characteristics involved, or what either of you likes to do in your spare time. Compatibility is a key for a successful, healthy relationship. Go to Free Stuff and take the free Assessment to determine your compatibility with your partner.

       

Relationship Advice

My parents have helped support that 50% statistic cited earlier in that they divorced sometime around their 25th wedding anniversary. What I learned about relationships from watching them is that couples never argue, especially in front of the children. On the surface my parents had a very happy marriage but my father experienced a stereotypical mid-life crisis and suddenly questioned the meaning of “life” and decided marriage was holding him back.

In some ways, this type of training may have been as bad as those who have parents who argue all the time. Disagreements are a natural by-product of relationships. It is virtually impossible for two people to come together and create a life  without some of their ideals, values, opinions or day-to-day activities coming into conflict with each other. The question becomes how does the couple manage this conflict?

Register here for our FREE teleconference called, Relationships from the Inside Out where you will learn how to manage conflict.