Relationship Bridge Building

Free Parenting Advice

Q: My wife and I have a 10 year-old daughter and bedtime is a struggle almost every night. Maria just doesn’t want to go to bed. It is a problem for us because we have to get up early in the morning and like to have some time together alone before going to bed to de-stress. Do you have any suggestions?

                    

A: Think about the ultimate goal. What is it you want for yourselves and for Maria? You already stated that you and your wife want some alone time together in the evening and I’m guessing that you want Maria to get a good night’s sleep so that she is ready to handle whatever her day has in store. You can stop making bedtime such a struggle by suggesting to Maria that she is the one, the only one, who can actually determine when she is tired and needs to go to bed. So you are going to allow her to make that decision on her own. You expect that she will always get up in the morning and do the things that are expected of her during the day---going to school, doing her homework and managing her after school activities. If she has great difficulty getting up in the morning, then you will suggest that perhaps she go to bed earlier the next evening. For your part, explain to Maria that you and your wife need some quiet time in the evening so while you are not telling her when to go to bed, you are asking that she go to her room and settle down with some quiet activity until she gets sleepy and decides to go to sleep. Try this for a while and see how much easier bedtime will be to manage.

If you'd like to learn more commonsense approaches to problem-solving win/win solutions with your children, then check out our Empowerment Parenting Home Study Course. It is filled with useful information and powerful ways to work things out with your children without power struggles or stress.

Book Review: William Glasser

Unhappy Teenagers: A Way for Parents and Teens to Reach Them
          by Dr. William Glasser   
       

         

This is a good book that discusses and provides excellent examples of Choice Theory parenting, as well as Choice Theory teaching. For the sake of this review, I am concentrating on the parenting aspects of the book. A few years ago, my son was dating a girl whose parents were very strict. They didn’t allow her to do much independently with her friends that wasn’t associated with school activities--activities that they usually attended as well. This may sound like a good way to keep their daughter safe and free from the distractions and negative behavior that most parents fear. However, what actually happened is that this girl, who really did want to please her parents for the most part, started to rebel. She wasn’t allowed to do many of the things her friends did so she began to lie to her parents to get to do “normal” things. When her friends were having a party that her parents wouldn’t approve of, this girl, call her Sarah, would tell her parents that she was staying at Susie’s house and Susie would tell her parents that she was staying at Sarah’s house and the two girls would be out all night unsupervised and no one knew where they were or what they were doing. This is an incredibly dangerous situation.

         

I was concerned about Sarah. One day, she saw Unhappy Teenagers: A Way for Parents and Teens to Reach Them on the back seat of my car and asked to borrow it. I let her take it and she loved the book and wanted her mother to read it. She showed her mother the book and her mother was so hurt that she threw the book outside in the yard. She also proclaimed that Dr. Glasser probably never had any children of his own. Well, I wish I could say that this story had a happy ending. The girl’s parents continued to be very strict and the girl continued to lie and do many things she wouldn’t have normally done had she just had some permission to explore the world. All parties survived the girls’ adolescence but it could have been so much easier. 

         

Just so you know, Dr. Glasser did raise children of his own and he has a very empowering method for both parents and children that is outlined in this book. Everyone wins. He is not suggesting that parents throw up their hands in dismay and just let their children do whatever they want to do. He is proposing that there is a way for parents to be empowered and to empower their teens at the same time. Read the book, you won’t be sorry.
         

      

Click here to order this book 

Parenting: Giving Permission

When your child asks you to do something he or she has not done before and you are not completely comfortable with it, tell your child “yes” with a specific stipulation. The stipulation is that you need to be reasonably assured that he or she will be safe. Tell your child that as the parent, it is your job to keep your children safe. Children don’t like that but it's difficult to argue against.

         

Take time to think of your objections and concerns. As you discuss them one by one with your child, have your child explain to you how he or she would handle the concerns and situations you raise. Until your child can convince you he or she has the knowledge and skills necessary to protect him or herself, then you need to withhold your permission.

         

You do not have to believe, beyond a reasonable doubt, that your child will actually use the skills he or she professes. It should be enough to know that they possess them. If and/or when your child enters a situation and doesn’t behave in the way your child told you he or she would, then you restrict your child’s freedom until he or she develops the requisite skills necessary to manage that freedom and then you restore the freedom. It’s a dance of trust. The positive thing is that you get to discuss your concerns and formulate plans with your child for managing the scary situations of adolescence.

Check out our parenting website.

Parenting Quote

"You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist."

         

                             --Friedrich Nietzsche 

         

This quote talks about how everyone can have their own way of doing things. No one way is the “correct” way. Just because someone does something differently than you would, doesn’t make him or her wrong! Their way is simply different. It is the same with your children. I know you want your children to learn from your mistakes. You want to save them from pain.

You want them to do what you say because you are older, more experienced and hopefully wiser. However, the world does not work that way. You probably didn’t learn the stove was hot from someone telling you it was hot. You most likely had to feel for yourself.          

The same is true for your children. When you can give your children the gift of doing things their own way without criticism, it is an incredibly powerful thing.

Check out our parenting website at www.empowermentparenting.com.

Parenting: Roots & Wings Part II

What do you do when your child's values differ from your own? First of all, as we raise our children, we are helping to strengthen their roots. This is the first gift a parent gives their child. How does one strengthen roots? We tend, we nurture, we feed, we cultivate---all to develop strong roots.

Sharing our value system with our children is critical to this process. In sharing values, remember that people pay more attention to what they see, as opposed to what they hear. Therefore, if you are a parent who tells your children it is wrong to smoke while you are toking on your cigarette, know that their interpretation of smoking will likely be different from what you are verbally espousing.

A developmental task of adolescence is separation and individuation. This is the time when children are attempting to separate themselves from their parents to an extent. It can be a very frightening time for parents. What do we do? This is the time for the second parental gift---wings.

We want to give our children gradual “flying” lessons. Children are not ready to go from the total and complete shelter of their parents’ protection to being absolutely out on their own. This must be a gradual process. We limit freedom only for as long as it takes our children to learn the responsible behaviors they need to manage that freedom.
We want our children learning the precarious process of making decisions while they are still under our semi-protection.

During the teen years is the perfect time to allow our teens to begin the process of deciding what their own set of values will be. If you have done a good job with the roots and you handle the next part with a minimum of confrontation, then the value process will go relatively smoothly.

Remember, your teen is doing nothing different than you did. The only difference is that you were wrestling with your parents’ values and your teen is wrestling with YOUR values. It has a very different feel to it, but it is the same nonetheless. You may say that your value system works just fine for you and your teen needs to see things the same way you do. However, the reality is that you cannot know what is best for another person, including your children. You are not them. You do not occupy their skin. Only they can truly decide what is best for themselves and then they will have to live with the consequences of their decisions.

Next time, I'll share a story with you about how my oldest son taught me this lesson.

Parenting: Roots & Wings

I’m sure many of you have heard that old Hallmark card adage that goes something like this: Parents give their children two great gifts--one is roots, the other is wings.

As parents, we pray for our children’s safety, health and happiness. We do everything we know to help make these things happen for them.

At some point in our lives, we developed the principles and values that guide our life decisions. Our parents and/or caregivers certainly had influence over this but not complete determination. Some of us gladly adopted the values of our parents and continue to live by them today. Some of us so completely rejected our parents' values that our decisions are determined by doing the exact opposite of what we believe our parents would do.

Most of us, however, are somewhere in the middle---we have accepted some of our parents' values and rejected others. This is a normal process of development. As parents, though, we really fight that period in our children’s lives when they are attempting to differentiate themselves from us.

Maybe it is because we fear for their safety in their decision-making. Maybe we can see that they are engaging in unhealthy behavior or heading down a life path that will ultimately lead to unhappiness. Whatever the reason, we get scared if our children’s values differ too much from our own.

What can we, as parents, do? Let's talk about that next time.

Free Parenting Teleconference

Empowerment Parenting
        April 22, 2008
        8:45 - 9:45 p.m. EST

      

You cannot continue to parent your children the way you did when they were younger children, or even the way your parents parented you. The world is different! Children are different! If you do not learn new innovations in parenting, your efforts will likely be ineffective at best, and actually destructive at their worst. Join us for this teleconference and learn about the inherent conflict between parents and their children, as well as ways to circumvent it. You can reasonably insure your child’s safety and still maintain a positive relationship.

Free Inside Out Empowerment Mastermind Group

Q: I attended a one-day workshop you did about a year ago in Choice Theory and I am really trying to apply what I learned in my relationship with my husband. I find I do really well for a few days and then I fall back into my old external control  patterns. What can I do?

A: I don't know about you, but I know that for me, it is unrealistic to expect that a one-day workshop will totally undo 30-50 years of external control behavior. Research shows us that it takes 30-90 days to form a new habit. This is difficult to apply to using choice theory because there is no consistent application of it. For example, if someone is attempting to exercise daily, then exercise is done everyday. One cannot predict when one will be able to practice Choice Theory.   I remember when I first learned Choice Theory in 1987, my children were three and five years-old. I committed to using CT with them and in my relationship with my husband. I wasn't always successful. Old habits are difficult to change. What I did do, though, was to continue to study CT. I became certified and then I continued on the instructor track. This continuous study is the thing that became instrumental in helping me internalize these concepts. It helped being around others who were as committed to the ideas as I was.   

This is actually one of the reasons that I offer coaching services. I wanted to offer people a way to stay connected to the learning and the consistent implementation of the ideas in their lives. A coach will help by providing alternatives to external control behavior. If you are serious about making a major change in your life, then check out our FREE Inside Out Empowerment Mastermind Group. This group is for you if you are trying to implement Choice Theory or Inside Out Empowerment concepts in your life.

Help for Relationships

It seems as if creating successful relationships with our significant others and parenting children are two of the most difficult jobs we face and yet we get no formal training in either. It’s as if people believe that we are born with an inherent ability to do these two things. Yet, look around us. In the US , the divorce rate is slightly over 50%! I don’t know anywhere but baseball where a 50% average is a good thing.

Couples go through life getting along when times are good; and fighting with, ignoring, or leaving each other when things get tough. Most people believe that to seek help with their relationships means to admit a certain kind of defeat that says something about who they are as a person. Or possibly, they believe that relationships are something we are just supposed to be able to manage on our own. Or, finally, some people believe that those out there helping couples can’t know any more than they do. After all, what’s to know about keeping relationships together?

Well, the truth is that there is a whole lot to learn when it comes to relationships. Unfortunately, the only training most of us ever receive is the passive learning we get through the modeling of the adults who live in our house with us and the media. Now, I don’t know about you, but my parents had only received the informal training they got from their parents, and they from my great grandparents and so on back through the generations. There is so much more to know about relationships than that!

Sign up for our Relationships from the Inside Out Teleconference, it's free and learn more about what you didn't learn at home or in school. Register Here.

Peaceful Parenting

Peaceful Parenting by Dr. Nancy Buck

            

This is a book with special significance to me. After my husband passed away, I was left with the daunting task of attempting to raise two angry, confused teenage boys. In my marriage, my husband had always been the disciplinarian and I the “pushover.” I knew I couldn’t continue being the pushover or my boys would be running all over me. I had total faith in Choice Theory but really didn’t know how to apply the concepts concretely to parenting. Peaceful Parenting became my instruction manual, along with regular calls to its author, Nancy Buck, my personal friend.
                  
        Peaceful Parenting begins with an explanation of Choice Theory so that readers can understand the psychology behind its methods. This explains the human five basic needs as genetic instructions. We are born with a drive to get our needs met but we don’t come with instructions on how to do that without hurting others. So, if we are attempting to satisfy our need for power, we could do so by beating someone up or performing well on a test in school. Both meet the same need---it’s just that one is more responsible than the other. Responsibility must be taught and learned.
       
Dr. Buck then goes on to explain her developmental model of how the various need strengths change depending on what stage a person is in. Babies are motivated by the survival need. Once an infant is approximately two-months old and is beginning to smile and recognize familiar faces, then the love & belonging need kicks in. Around two-years old, most of us understand toddlers are pushed by their needs for power and freedom. After that, children basically alternate every six months between the cooperative and the competitive needs---thus love & belonging and fun are in place and then six months later, power and freedom seem to kick in. Just when you are at your wits end and think you can’t take your child one more day, the love & belonging and fun needs kick in again. And this continues into young adulthood at which time Dr. Buck suggests a gender split.
       
        Peaceful Parenting talks about how a parent’s driving need to keep their children safe often conflicts with the children's needs to explore their world and gain more freedom. This is what Dr. Buck calls the inherent conflict between parents and their children. She demonstrates a process by which both parents and children can get what they need through open negotiation with limits being set by parents around safety issues. She talks about restricting freedom only as long as it takes to teach responsible behaviors to manage the freedom.
       
Dr. Buck's work has provided hope to parents everywhere. There is a way to raise children to become responsible adults without punishing and criticizing them and without the stress and strain of WW III occurring within your household. Purchase Peaceful Parenting today and learn how to start this process with your children. Mine are 22 and 24 years-old now and I couldn’t be prouder of the young men they have become. They are responsible and independent, making good decisions most of the time. You can create these outcomes in your family, as well.

            

        Click here to order this book or visit
        www.Peacefulparenting.com