Relationship Bridge Building

How Do You Handle Adversity?

Love and Trust

Today, I spoke with two women who experienced major trust violations in their respective relationships. One was in a two-year exclusive dating relationship and the other was in a 30-year marriage. And the issues are similar. Both relationships have ended.

Each woman was seriously disappointed by her man. Each went through the expected period of anger and then depression. But later, like the phoenix rising from the ashes, they both triumph. What does triumph look like in a situation like this?

Triumph is getting to a place where you no longer want revenge on the other person and you no longer long for them to come back to you. You have analyzed the relationship for all the life lessons there are to glean from it, thanked the Universe for the opportunity and recognize that a partner's breech of trust does not diminish you in any way. You are still you! You haven't let the situation turn you into a bitter, angry, non-trusting person. You haven't given your power away to the other person in the relationship by allowing him or her to "cause" you to feel less than.

Pick yourself up, live and learn, and get ready to move on. Life is too important to spend it angry at another or feeling sorry for yourself. There is more in store for you!

The Cycle of Life and Death

In life, there is one thing that's certain, yet it's the one thing we rebel against the most--Death, whether our own or someone else's. We tend to traverse our lives as if we and the ones we love will live forever.

Yet, we all have expiration dates. We may think ours is a long way off and that the people we love will live forever but intellectually we know that's not true.

This week, I am being constantly reminded that life does indeed go on, ready or not. The world lost a great man, John Wolfe, last week. I know two other people probably living their last week this week  and yet, I am spending each day with my 5- and 3-month old grandsons. They are a constant reminder that people leave us to make way for new life. It's an amazing system.

Lately I have been giving a lot of thought to death and dying. It seems to me the Creator knew what She was doing when She created sickness and suffering. As we watch those we love go through pain, it helps us detach and prepare for the eventuality of their death. It just seems all is as it should be if we can step back and observe what's right about death.

What will it take for us to live each day as if it were our last? Live, really live! Time is the only real commodoty of our lives. We have all been given a fixed amount of time with 24 hours in each day. It's our to use as we'd like. We can use it for good or bad. We can be bored or excited with it. We can cram everything into a day or take it easy. We can spend it bored, dissatisfied, angry, frustrated, jealous or we can spend it happy, excited, energized, compassionate and grateful.

What did you do with your 24 hours today? When your time comes, will you have regrets? If it were today, are there things you left undone? Are there people to see, places to go, and relationships to mend? Tomorrow is not promised, what will you do today?

Alone for the Holidays

I have some thoughts about how to turn "lonely" into simply being alone, without any negative connotations. Do you want to try it?

Whenever, I've found myself feeling sorry for myself, I find two things to be very helpful. First, I use the time to take stock of all the things in my life for which I’m grateful--and there are many. Often we forget those things while bathing in self-pity. The second thing I find helpful is to find someone else worse off than me (I never have to look far) and then reach out to do something kind for that person.

But there are other possibilities. You could use the time to look at your own behavior to see if possibly you might have contributed to your not getting any social invitations. If the answer is yes, then make a plan to change some things in your life to make yourself more like a person who is on other people’s guest lists.

If you didn’t get invited anywhere this holiday, why not plan something at your place and you do the inviting? Whoever said you need to be the one to get invited?

Another approach is to treat the holiday just like any other day and do the things you would normally do if it weren’t a holiday. I know that Saturday, I was very productive getting caught up on some work issues so that when I did receive an invitation Sunday, I could accept without any guilt.

Another possibility is to use the day to do something by yourself that would be enjoyable for you. I like to take drives or get outside in nature to either walk or sit. Reading a book, a warm bubble bath or journaling are also things that will work for me. What works for you?

Another thing to do is to reach out to people who live away or maybe even right around the corner whom you don’t talk to often. The holiday is a perfect time to catch up with old and dear friends.

I don’t know if any of these ideas have struck a chord with you. What I am trying to say is that being alone doesn’t have to feel bad. It’s the meaning you assign the alone time that produces negative feelings.

If you want to feel sad and lonely, go right ahead. There’s nothing I can do to stop you but if you’d rather feel better, at least feel neutral, then do something different. You don’t have to choose anything from my list. Maybe you have some of your own ideas. I’d love to hear them.

Relationship Q & A

Q: I made a terrible mistake and ended a relationship with someone with someone I truly love. I have told her how I feel and that I want her back. She says she is not interested. She has a new boyfriend now. I don’t know what to do. I really don’t know if I can go on without her. I really screwed up---I didn’t think I was ready for a commitment.

A: This is a very difficult situation and I am sorry for your pain. Unrequited love is very painful. There is an expression that says, “Timing is everything” and I believe that is the saying that is most applicable in your situation. If your former girlfriend is not interested in a reconciliation at this time, then you must respect her wishes. Trying to coerce her into resuming your relationship when she is not ready is disrespectful of her wishes. This will not engender you to her in the long run.

Be patient. If you believe you are meant to be together, then you will find your way back to each other when the time is right. If she doesn’t come back to you, then you need to understand that it wasn’t meant to be and you would benefit from letting go of the hope that you will get back together so that you, also, can start over.

Book Review: The Kaizen Way

The Kaizen Way: One Small Step Can Change Your Life
by Robert Maurer, Ph.D.

This book is applicable to many topics including starting over. The Kaizen Way is about accomplishing our goals one small step at a time. Kaizen is a Japanese word, whose essence is captured in the phrase, “A journey of a thousand miles must begin with the first step.”---Lao Tzu. It simply means taking small, manageable steps toward your goal.

Dr. Maurer speaks about how kaizen and innovation are the two major strategies people use to create change. "Where innovation demands shocking and radical reform, all kaizen asks is that you take small, comfortable steps toward improvement.”  Some people are more prone by their nature to act with the broad strokes of innovation but in my experience, sometimes when I stop something “cold turkey” or I vow to begin something religiously, I will do so for a short while and then, gradually drift back toward my old habits.

Dr. Maurer suggests kaizen when those habits we are attempting to change are extremely stubborn and/or when you have a degree of fear about making the necessary change. Taking small, baby steps is the way we “tiptoe past our fear,” Dr. Maurer asserts.

This is what I believe makes kaizen the perfect approach for starting over. Our old habit of spending time with our loved one, thinking about him or her, loving him or her is a habit that is extremely stubborn to change. It’s hard to just quit a person “cold turkey,” especially when it wasn’t our idea in the first place. And often there is a great degree of fear about starting over---fear of loneliness, fear of pity from others, fear of harsh judgments from others, fear of rejection from someone new, fear of never finding anyone, fear of intimacy with a new partner, fear of letting go of the original relationship, fear of realizing our “love” wasn’t what we imagined it to be, fear of being hurt again and a host of other possible fears.

The best way to begin is just to begin. Ask yourself some kaizen questions. What’s one small thing you can do to smile today? What’s something you can do for five minutes every day where you will think of something other than your lost loved one? What’s one small thing I you can do to feel better about yourself today? If you weren’t afraid of failing, what would you be doing? If you knew for a certainty that you I would be meeting your “perfect” mate next month, what would you be doing differently today? What’s one thing you like about being single again? If you were guaranteed not to fail, what’s one small thing you would be doing differently? What’s one small step you could take toward moving on with your life? What is one small thing that’s special about you?

Another suggestion by Dr. Maurer is to create a mind sculpture. Mind sculpting is a lot like visualization but with an added strong emotional component. So, you would be imagining and visualizing a happy, fulfilled life either by yourself or with a new partner. Make sure when you are watching your “mental movie” that you are also experiencing each of your senses along with a strong, positive emotional component. Fill in the answer to what are you seeing? What do you taste, smell and hear? What do you touch or feel on your skin? And how are you feeling emotionally?

It may seem that small steps would only yield minuscule results, however, as Dr. Maurer explains one small step will lead to another and then to another until your fear response has been bypassed and then rapid change can occur. One day, you will look around and realize you have accomplished your goal and didn’t even realize it. There are other techniques in this book: solve small problems, bestow small rewards and identify small moments. I recommend it as a book that can give you ideas for accomplishing goals that have been alluding you.

And if you find yourself trying to get over someone and start again, why not try some coaching? Coaching can help you to stay on track and focused on your ultimate success.

Click here to order The Kaizen Way.

Letting Go of Past Relationships

After I had written an article on “Starting Over,” something was brought to my attention to make me realize that I had forgotten a critical point in a person’s attempts to start over. Before anyone can even begin to think about starting over, he or she must first let go of their previous relationship.

So many times, people attempt to start over while still clinging to the hope that their prior partner will come to his or her senses and want to resume their relationship. As long as a person is harboring those kinds of feelings, it is incredibly difficult to start over.

If starting over is what you sincerely desire, then in your heart and in your mind, you must let go of your past love. This can be done with great generosity of spirit and does not have to involve ill feelings of any kind.

You must realize that the relationship is over. Your previous partner has opted out of the relationship. The likelihood that s/he will be back is slim. Decide to cherish the time you did have together, learn whatever lesson it was you were supposed to learn and say a permanent goodbye to the couple part of your relationship.

Grieve the loss if you must but let go of your prior relationship so that you give yourself a reasonable chance of successfully starting over.

If you are really ready to do this work, you may find our Prepare to Love Again ebook helpful. Check it out. We always offer a 100% money-back guarantee so there's nothing to lose.

Relationship Q & A

Q: I found your site due to arguing with my fiancé once again about his anger. I love him more than anything but he really needs to learn to control himself. He told me he would go to counseling if I wouldn't leave him but he didn't go. Now, he's saying he likes his anger and thinks it helps him in situations. I tell him, "Yes, honey, but do you want to go on treating ME like this for the rest of your life?" and he tells me, "Well, no, but you fuel it a lot of the time!" So I can see that we may both be in the wrong. I know he sometimes can't control his anger and I know it comes from his childhood and his mother, he does too. I want more than anything to help him get over this and learn to control it and for me to learn how to effectively calm him down. But I'm afraid to even approach the subject since he's recently discovered that he "doesn't want to change" and it's "my fault." Please help.

A: I do have some things that may help your fiancé, but only if he is willing to recognize a need and actually applies what he learns.

Since you are the one who reached out, I would really like to be able to help you. I know how difficult it can be when we want our significant other to be different than he is. Women are especially socialized to believe that the love of a great woman will help any man overcome his personality flaws.

I'd just like you to consider one question, "What if he never changes?" I have absolutely no investment in your answer to that question. If you say you will love him forever even if his anger stays just the way it is, then I would try to help you make the most of the situation you're in. If you are adamant he must change, then I would try to help you with that, knowing that you are the only person you can control.

I am concerned that he is attempting to blame you for his anger. This is never a good sign. The approach I use in coaching helps people take responsibility for the choices they make and anger is definitely a choice. Let me know how things work out for you.

Get Help for Domestic Violence

If you are a victim of intimate partner violence and you want it to stop, you must reach out for help. Partners who resort to violence in their relationships are getting their needs met and they will do everything they can to keep you from telling their secret. If people know what they do, then they know they will be judged harshly. Abusers will try to convince you that the violence is your fault. Dinner wasn’t ready on time, you wore a dress that was too revealing, or you didn’t get the stain out of a shirt. None of these are reason for you to be physically hurt by someone who is supposed to love you.

If you reach out to others for help, then you will increase your support network. Most people in abusive relationships have no support because the abuser cuts them off from outside relationships. He has better control that way. Tell people you trust and let them help you. If you are still afraid, then talk to a women’s shelter. They will be able to set you up in a safe house if you choose to leave. They should be listed in your yellow pages under “domestic violence” or “crisis intervention.” Stop the cycle. Get the support you need even if your choice is to stay.

Intimate Partner Violence

Are you in an intimate relationship where violence is a part of your exchange? Does one or the other of you lash out physically toward the other? Do you want it to stop?

There is lots of information out there about intimate partner violence. Just google the term and today there were 378,000 entries on the topic. Many offer research, explanations, opinions and advice.

I am not here to argue for you to stay or get out of a relationship where you are inflicting or receiving violence in your relationship. What I do want you to do, however, is look at your motivation and decide if your behavior and your choices are going to lead you in the direction you want to go for your life.

Violence Users:

Are you the partner in the relationship who resorts to physical violence when frustrated, upset or angry? Is this the person you want to be in your loving, intimate relationship? What do you want that you are trying to get by punishing your partner physically?

Because I am a firm believer in Dr. Glasser’s Choice Theory®, I know that all behavior is purposeful. It is unacceptable to say, “He or she made me do it!” No one has the power to make us do anything we don’t want to do. If you think you can, have you ever tried to make a baby eat who wasn’t hungry?

Sure you can crank up the fear and/or pain factor far enough to get just about anybody to do anything but if it is important enough, a person will choose to die rather than do something they don’t want to do and you can’t make them do otherwise.

Stephen Covey tells us that between a stimulus and a response is a gap and in that gap is our ability to choose our response. Maybe you are giving away your choice to your partner but I don’t buy it. You choose violence because it gets you something you want.

Maybe you are confusing fear with respect. Maybe all you care about is compliance and quality is not an important factor to you. Maybe you are scared and being angry helps you to feel stronger. Maybe these are patterns you learned as a child.

Whatever the reason, if you want to have a loving relationship with another person, do you think violence is the best way of getting one?

If a loving, caring, committed relationship is what you want, then you must give up the idea of intimidating your partner with violence and begin to allow that person to live life on their terms. Ensure that they are in the relationship because they want to be, not because they are too scared to leave. This new relationship will be based on love and real respect—not fear.

Violence Receivers:

Are you in a relationship with a partner who hurts you physically? Is this the kind of relationship you hoped for? Does he or she treat you good enough other times to make up for the times he or she hurts you? Are you holding onto the hope that it will change?

Forget the thought that he or she will change. That may or may not happen but you have no control over what your partner chooses to do or not to do. You can only control yourself. What if your partner never changes? Would you still stay in the relationship?

What do you get by staying in an abusive relationship? Is this the best you think you deserve? Do you believe that he or she hurts you because you ask for it? Do you believe that commitment means you will never leave until death parts you? Do you hold onto that hope that he or she can be the person you dream of?

Whatever your reason, I want you to examine your motives. Ask yourself the question, “Is staying more painful than starting over?” When it is, you will seek whatever help you need to make the move to leave.