Relationship Bridge Building

Book Review: William Glasser

Unhappy Teenagers: A Way for Parents and Teens to Reach Them
          by Dr. William Glasser   
       

         

This is a good book that discusses and provides excellent examples of Choice Theory parenting, as well as Choice Theory teaching. For the sake of this review, I am concentrating on the parenting aspects of the book. A few years ago, my son was dating a girl whose parents were very strict. They didn’t allow her to do much independently with her friends that wasn’t associated with school activities--activities that they usually attended as well. This may sound like a good way to keep their daughter safe and free from the distractions and negative behavior that most parents fear. However, what actually happened is that this girl, who really did want to please her parents for the most part, started to rebel. She wasn’t allowed to do many of the things her friends did so she began to lie to her parents to get to do “normal” things. When her friends were having a party that her parents wouldn’t approve of, this girl, call her Sarah, would tell her parents that she was staying at Susie’s house and Susie would tell her parents that she was staying at Sarah’s house and the two girls would be out all night unsupervised and no one knew where they were or what they were doing. This is an incredibly dangerous situation.

         

I was concerned about Sarah. One day, she saw Unhappy Teenagers: A Way for Parents and Teens to Reach Them on the back seat of my car and asked to borrow it. I let her take it and she loved the book and wanted her mother to read it. She showed her mother the book and her mother was so hurt that she threw the book outside in the yard. She also proclaimed that Dr. Glasser probably never had any children of his own. Well, I wish I could say that this story had a happy ending. The girl’s parents continued to be very strict and the girl continued to lie and do many things she wouldn’t have normally done had she just had some permission to explore the world. All parties survived the girls’ adolescence but it could have been so much easier. 

         

Just so you know, Dr. Glasser did raise children of his own and he has a very empowering method for both parents and children that is outlined in this book. Everyone wins. He is not suggesting that parents throw up their hands in dismay and just let their children do whatever they want to do. He is proposing that there is a way for parents to be empowered and to empower their teens at the same time. Read the book, you won’t be sorry.
         

      

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Peaceful Parenting

Peaceful Parenting by Dr. Nancy Buck

            

This is a book with special significance to me. After my husband passed away, I was left with the daunting task of attempting to raise two angry, confused teenage boys. In my marriage, my husband had always been the disciplinarian and I the “pushover.” I knew I couldn’t continue being the pushover or my boys would be running all over me. I had total faith in Choice Theory but really didn’t know how to apply the concepts concretely to parenting. Peaceful Parenting became my instruction manual, along with regular calls to its author, Nancy Buck, my personal friend.
                  
        Peaceful Parenting begins with an explanation of Choice Theory so that readers can understand the psychology behind its methods. This explains the human five basic needs as genetic instructions. We are born with a drive to get our needs met but we don’t come with instructions on how to do that without hurting others. So, if we are attempting to satisfy our need for power, we could do so by beating someone up or performing well on a test in school. Both meet the same need---it’s just that one is more responsible than the other. Responsibility must be taught and learned.
       
Dr. Buck then goes on to explain her developmental model of how the various need strengths change depending on what stage a person is in. Babies are motivated by the survival need. Once an infant is approximately two-months old and is beginning to smile and recognize familiar faces, then the love & belonging need kicks in. Around two-years old, most of us understand toddlers are pushed by their needs for power and freedom. After that, children basically alternate every six months between the cooperative and the competitive needs---thus love & belonging and fun are in place and then six months later, power and freedom seem to kick in. Just when you are at your wits end and think you can’t take your child one more day, the love & belonging and fun needs kick in again. And this continues into young adulthood at which time Dr. Buck suggests a gender split.
       
        Peaceful Parenting talks about how a parent’s driving need to keep their children safe often conflicts with the children's needs to explore their world and gain more freedom. This is what Dr. Buck calls the inherent conflict between parents and their children. She demonstrates a process by which both parents and children can get what they need through open negotiation with limits being set by parents around safety issues. She talks about restricting freedom only as long as it takes to teach responsible behaviors to manage the freedom.
       
Dr. Buck's work has provided hope to parents everywhere. There is a way to raise children to become responsible adults without punishing and criticizing them and without the stress and strain of WW III occurring within your household. Purchase Peaceful Parenting today and learn how to start this process with your children. Mine are 22 and 24 years-old now and I couldn’t be prouder of the young men they have become. They are responsible and independent, making good decisions most of the time. You can create these outcomes in your family, as well.

            

        Click here to order this book or visit
        www.Peacefulparenting.com

Love is Letting Go of Fear

 Love is Letting Go of Fear
    by Gerald G. Jampolsky, MD 

An oldie but a goodie. In it, Jampolsky proposes living by 12 lessons. He suggests that each day we choose one to focus on both in the morning on awakening and at night when retiring. He further suggests writing the lesson on an index card and carrying it with you during the day to refer to several times, while actively concentrating on and implementing it during the day. When you are finished with each lesson, you are to repeat the process until you are thinking of the lessons without prompting.
Based on content from A Course in Miracles, Jampalsky’s lessons are empowering concepts to get our minds around. Read with an open mind. 

Lesson 1: All That I Give is Given to Myself

This lesson is speaking about the more love you give away, the more is returned to you. The Law of Abundance applies to this principle. Don’t be stingy and try to save love because that very act is what will deprive you. It’s similar to the expression, “What goes around; comes around.”

Lesson 2: Forgiveness is the Key to Happiness

Whenever we hold on to past hurts and grievances, we don’t allow ourselves peace of mind or true happiness. We need to learn to let things go and to forgive ourselves and give up our guilt.

Lesson 3: I Am Never Upset for the Reason I Think

This refers to the provocative thought that instead of our perceptions of the world outside of us being the cause and our emotions being the effect, the world outside ourselves is really the effect of the cause of our thinking. In other words, we actually create our reality by the thoughts we think instead of our reality creating our thoughts and feelings. Pretty deep, huh?

Lesson 4: I Am Determined to See Things Differently

This lesson speaks to the fact that most of us miss the current moment we are in either worrying about our future or obsessing over our past. Neither one of which is something we can change. Making a conscious effort to stay present in the moment will help to see things differently without the context of the past to color our perceptions.

 

Lesson 5: I Can Escape the World I See by Giving Up Attack Thoughts

This thought is intricately tied to Lesson 3. If we realize that our external world is created by our thoughts, then whenever we perceive someone as attacking us, we only have to replace that thought with thoughts of love in order to stop the attack. I know this is a deep concept but the field of quantum physics seems to be providing evidence that this concept has some validity.

    Lesson 6: I Am Not the Victim of the World I See

Jampolsky tells us, “When we allow ourselves to think we are living in an unfriendly environment where we must fear being hurt or victimized, we can only suffer.” When we understand that the world is a creation of our own mind, then we can simply change our minds about what we see. (Well, maybe not so simply, but it can be done if we are determined.)

Lesson 7: Today I Will Judge Nothing That Occurs

Think about what it would be like to spend one entire day judging nothing and no one, including yourself. Whenever we judge, we are fragmenting a part of the person of which we disapprove and this judgment is a habit from our past that results in nothing but “fear and conditional love.” When we make the decision to love, we become able to focus on people’s strengths and overlook their weaknesses. Can you even imagine what that might be like?

Lesson 8: This Instant Is the Only Time There Is

When we hold onto the negative experiences from our past---the guilt, regrets and complaints---we tend to project the past into the present and the future, imaging that the bad things from the past will simply continue to repeat in our future. This instant is the only time there is pertains to us being fully present in each moment so that we let go of the guilt of the past and the worry about the future.

    Lesson 9: The Past Is Over It Can Touch Me Not

So often we allow our experiences from the past to make us fearful of the present and future, we cannot be truly present, nor can we open ourselves up for love. We must realize that the past is over and can hurt us no more. There is no need to protect oneself from things that are over. When you can open yourself up for love, you can release the past and the blame you hold for yourself and others.

    Lesson 10: I Could See Peace Instead of This

Jampolsky says that when we are constantly dwelling on our painful pasts and worrying about our anticipated futures, then we lose the ability to experience happiness in the present moment. We are constantly in a state of conflict and cannot be truly happy. Living in the moment is the key to happiness.

    Lesson 11: I Can Elect to Change All Thoughts that Hurt

While expecting pain to come into our lives, there is a way to change those thoughts. We can use the power or our minds to imagine a way out of our problems and use visualization to put ourselves in a place that is peaceful. Once we have mastered this skill, we can carry that peace with us wherever we go. There is also wisdom in viewing problems as opportunities. That way we can accept problems as challenges and view their solution as learning that will promote our growth. We are never presented with a problem that we are not ready to handle.

    Lesson 12: I Am Responsible for What I See

This is how the book ends with Jampolsky reminding us that we have created everything we have in our lives and if we are not satisfied, then we must change our thoughts to attract the love and happiness into our lives that we desire.
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Peace is the Way--Deepak Chopra

In this book promoting peace, Deepak Chopra, writes of the famous quote by Mahatma Gandhi, “There is no way to peace. Peace is the way.”  Chopra makes a great argument for peace from the inside out. It must begin inside each of us until a large enough number believes and makes a global change in awareness happen. He calls for today to be the day that war ends. Wouldn’t that be excellent for our men and women in the armed forces serving in Iraq ?

           

He analyzes why war is so prevalent and the reason we, as a people, resort to violence. He talks about war being an ingrained behavior or habit. It is an organized behavior to which humans resort in too many circumstances. In addition, it supports the archetype of good battling evil. The problem is that good tends to be defined by on which side you are standing at the time. He also points out that the advantages we enjoy today are mostly the result of war and aggression, making it difficult to advocate for peace. However, Chopra shows us how these ideas are untrue and that peace is the way.

         

“We must not bring one war to an end, or thirty,” Chopra tells us, “but the idea of war itself.” Chopra shows us the seven-step path to peace in the world through daily practices of meditation, thought and actions on behalf of others.  He believes that what one thinks about and brings into consciousness expands and so it can be with thoughts of peace. When enough of us focus on peace as the answer, the world will be transformed. “You aren’t asked to be a saint, or to give up any belief. You are only asked to stop reacting out of fear, to change your allegiance from violence to peace.”

         

He admonishes countries that believe they have the right to impose their will on other countries. Ultimately, however, the ego itself has to be disarmed to live the way of peace, he says: "For me as an individual to be free, I have to confront myself with questions about who I really am, and this is done in large part by examining the layers of false identity that I mistakenly call me." This is obviously difficult to read and even more challenging to put into practice but what do we have to lose? Weigh that against all we stand to gain and the choice is clear.

         

“Violence may be innate in human nature, but so is its opposite: love. The next stage of humanity, the leap which we are poised to take, will be guided by the force of that love.” 

         

 

         

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The Four Agreements

The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz
                     
                The subtitles of this book are “A practical Guide to Personal Freedom” and “A Toltec Wisdom Book” and I believe that Mr. Ruiz makes a case for both in The Four Agreements. This is a short book (only 138 pages) but it is packed with practical, yet challenging, advice on how to live a more fulfilling life. The four agreements about which he writes are:

               

Be impeccable with your word. Mr. Ruiz says your word is the power you have to either create or destroy. Recognizing this, we must understand the power of what comes out of our mouths. When we are impeccable, we take responsibility for our actions, but we do not judge or blame ourselves. Mr. Ruiz says that speaking the truth is the most important part of being impeccable with our word. We must stop gossiping. By becoming impeccable with our word, any negativity will eventually leave our mind, as well as our communication with those important people in our lives. Our self-esteem is directly proportional to the quality and integrity of our word. Impeccability of the word can lead to personal freedom and to huge success and abundance; it can take away all fear and transform it into joy and love. It’s up to you to make this agreement with yourself.
                     
              Don’t take anything personally. Personal importance, or taking things personally, is the maximum expression of selfishness according to Ruiz, because we make the assumption that everything is about “me”. Nothing other people do is because of you; it is because of them. Even when a situation seems so personal, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you. Their point of view comes from all the programming they received. If you take it personally, then you take their poison and it becomes yours. When you take things personally, then you feel offended, and your reaction is to defend your beliefs and create conflicts. You have to trust yourself and choose to accept or reject what someone says to you. When we really see people as they are without taking it personally, we can never be hurt by what they say and do. When you make it a strong habit not to take anything personally, you avoid many upsets in your life. There is a huge amount of freedom that comes from taking nothing personally.
             
              Don’t make assumptions. The problem with making assumptions is that we believe they are the truth and we end up creating a whole big drama for nothing. It is always better to ask questions than to make assumptions because assumptions set us up for suffering. Making assumptions in our relationships is really asking for problems. Often we make the assumption that our partners know what we think and that we don’t have to say what we want. We assume they are going to do what we want, because they know us so well. If they don’t do what we assume they should do, we feel so hurt and say, “You should have known.” Making assumptions in relationships leads to a lot of fights, a lot of difficulties, and a lot of misunderstandings with people we supposedly love. We make the mistaken assumption that everyone sees life the way we do. If you don’t understand, ask. Have the courage to ask questions until you are as clear as you can be, and even then do not assume you know all there is to know about a given situation. Also, find your voice to ask for what you want. Everybody has the right to tell you no or yes, but you always have the right to ask. If you don’t understand something, it is better for you to ask and be clear, instead of making assumptions. Without making assumptions your word becomes impeccable.
             
              Always do your best. Under any circumstance, always do your best, no more and no less. But keep in mind that your best is never going to be the same from one moment to the next. If you try too hard to do more than your best, you will spend more energy than is needed and in the end your best will not be enough. But if you do less than your best, you subject yourself to frustration, self-judgment, guilt and regret. When you always do your best, you take action because you love it, not because you’re expecting a reward. When you do your best, you learn to accept yourself. But you have to be aware and learn from your mistakes. This increases your awareness. If you do your best in the search for personal freedom, in the search for self-love, you will discover that it’s just a matter of time before you find what you are looking for.

               

Mr. Ruiz has shared four simple Toltec principles that if implemented in our lives, could potentially change everything. This book has the potential to positively impact how you relate to yourself and others. I would recommend it.

Breakthrough Experience

Book Review        

The Breakthrough Experience -
        Dr. John F. Demartini
      

       

This week I am recommending Dr. John F. Demartini’s book, The Breakthrough Experience. In his book, Dr. Demartini begins by saying, “Every single one of us has greatness and immortal genius inside. Everything that happens is directed toward waking us up to that gift and potential. We may have positive and negative opinions about the various people and events in our lives, but in truth, they all play a perfect role in unfolding our destiny and making us who we are.” What he is saying consistently is that in every person or event, there is always and inevitably both positive and negative.

       

Dr. Demartini is not even saying that we should discount the negative and embrace the positive. What he is saying is that we need to come to appreciate the balanced experience and know that each is necessary for us and is as it should be. He tells us that “all phenomena are universally full-quantum. . .there must be no such thing as happiness without sadness, or sadness without happiness.”

       

He speaks about gratitude being the key to “growth and fulfillment” and that those who learn to be grateful for what they have are quickly rewarded with more. He defines true gratitude as “a quiet state of poise and inner calm where you’re truly thankful, where you sense the divine order and wouldn’t want anything to change.”

       

He then acknowledges how it’s difficult to experience this sense of gratitude until we learn how to find the hidden benefit in what may at first seem to be a negative event. Everything that happens in our lives is a gift and a blessing.

       

Dr. Demartini talks about how we must come to welcome the balance between positive and negative. He says, “When you know that bad things aren’t so terrible and good things aren’t so terrific, you can be quietly grateful for whatever occurs. Balance is neither pessimism nor optimism. . . It is ‘gratefulism,’ and that is both wisdom and true power.”

       

His book tells us that in any given moment we have everything available to us that we need.

       

One of his concepts that profoundly affected me is that love is not merely unconditional support of another, but it also includes challenge. When we merely support another, we are only creating dependency. When we truly love, we also challenge. Conversely, love is not merely challenge but we also must support.

       

This book encourages us to “understand and embrace everything that comes our way. . .knowing that it is not an attack, but an opportunity to refine and expand ourselves, we can turn our lives into the same masterful dance.” Do you have an example of balanced experience for which you are grateful?

 

       

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