Relationship Bridge Building

Relationships A - Z (Part 3)

It's time for the end of the alphabet of our Relationship ABCs. Learn the R-Z part to strengthen your relationship even more.

R = Respecting

Respecting is about listening to learn what your partner needs to feel respected and then giving it to him or her. Do not respect your partner the way you wish your partner would respect you. You will probably miss the mark as your picture of respect likely looks different. Focus on the platinum, rather than the golden, rule: "Do unto others as they would have you do unto them."

T= Trusting

If you want to have a meaningful and healthy relationship, then you are going to have to trust your partner. Trust is one of the important building blocks of healthy relationships. Trust is a choice you make; it's not necessarily something a person must earn. That being said, however, if your partner has shown he or she is not trustworthy in certain areas, then trust him or her to continuing being who they have shown you to be. Don't expect a cat to turn into a dog.

U = Understanding

If I had to list the most important quality in a relationship, I would say it's the quest for understanding. I say "quest" because I don't believe you can ever fully understand another person but the desire to work at better understanding will help a relationship last in a very healthy atmosphere.

V =Value Each Other

There will be times when you aren't able to understand your partner because he or she does or sees something so differently than you do. When this happens, instead of devaluing your partner, value him or her as bringing something different or a new perspective to the situation.

W =Win/Win/Win

In Secrets of Happy Couples, I talk about having a win/win/win whenever you are able to negotiate your differences so both of you are satisfied with the outcome. You win, your partner wins and the third win occurs because your relationship grows stronger for going through the process.

X =X-rated

Be sure to schedule some X-rated time with your partner into the busyness of your life. Connecting with each other in a sexual way is an important part of maintaining closeness and it's a great stress reliever too!

Y = Yin / Yang

Maintain the balance in your relationship. Sometimes you will carry the load, sometimes your partner will and often you will share it. Balance is the key.

Z = Zest

Maintain your energy and excitement when you are with your partner so he or she knows how happy you are to be together.

Follow these Relationship ABCs so your relationship will sizzle, not fizzle!

 

Balancing Independence and Connection in Relationships

One of man's biggest internal struggles involves the need for both independence and connection. They seem to be mutually exclusive. How can you have independence and be connected at the same time? This struggle rages within individuals daily.

Multiply that struggle by two and you'll have the conflict that happens within relationships. It is nearly impossible to find yourself in relationship with someone who requires exactly the same amount of independence and connection as you and if you do, it's even rarer that you would want the same thing at the same time. It's more likely when you want connection, your partner wants independence and vice versa.

This can be difficult, at best, to negotiate and a downright deal breaker at worst. So what's a couple to do who has a conflict with freedom and love & belonging, between time together and time apart, between independence and connection?

1. Recognize you want different things but still want to honor the relationship.
2. Be clear about what you need to feel satisfied in your relationship.
3. Inform your partner what you want and listen for understanding to what he or she wants.
4. Make a decision about what you are willing to do for the relationship and communicate that to your partner.
5. If you both are happy and accepting of each other's offer, then all is well.
6. If you are still not happy, then look at the situation in terms of what lesson you are being provided the opportunity to learn.

For example, if you want more connection and your partner wants more freedom, then your lesson is to learn to be happier alone with youself. If you happen to want more freedom, then perhaps your lesson is to learn how to be more tolerant and accepting of the behaviors of others. 

Be aware that fair or not, the person who is looking for more freedom has the advantage here. He or she can get more freedom without the cooperation of his or her partner. However, to get more connection, you must have the implied consent of your partner. If you are the freedom person, please be considerate of the situation your partner is in. He or she needs your help to get that connection need but you don't need his or her help to get your freedom need met.

Finally, if you are in a relationship and can't, no matter how hard you try, get what you need, you may be looking at a deal breaker situation and choose to end the relationship. But if you have any investment in the relationship and are willing to support your partner in their independence and also help your partner fill his or her connection need, you should be able to achieve a healthy balance.

Have you ever been in this situation? What did you do?

Coaching Training Program for Helping Professionals

Are you a licensed helping professional who wants to add coaching to your list or services? Perhaps you have been coaching for some time now but find the field is becoming somewhat regualted and you want to get certified from an approved coaching program. Maybe you want to learn our revolutionary InsideOut process for coaching. The Academy of Choice is definitely for you!

The Center for Credentialing and Education (CCE) is in the process of approving applications for already existing coaching programs. The Academy of Choice applied to be an approved provider through CCE. In anticipation of receiving that approval, the Academy of Choice is offering its 30-hour coach program for counselors May 4-6, 2012 in Chicago's South Suburbs.

Most coach training is provided through distance learning and we recognize the conveience in that so you can enroll in our distance learning program at any time. However, we also recognize the value of in-person training so we provide 24 hours of in-person training over a weekend with coaches finishing up the remaining six hours as distance learning.

Here is what you can expect when you attend the Academy of Choice:

1. Create an informed consent form.
2. Discuss the differences between counseling, coaching, and consulting.
3. Cretae a list of essential coaching behaviors.
4. Review the BCC Code of Ethics.
5. List the five basic human needs.
6. Assess need strengths in practice clients.
7. List the elements of the InsideOut Coaching model.
8. Practice using InsideOut's Powerful Questions techniques.
9. Role play using the InsideOut process.
10. Distinguish between destructive and healthy relationship habits.
11. Assess when you are working harder than your client.
12. List the elements of an effective plan.
13. Problem solve when a client isn't making progress toward his or her stated goals.
14. Explain organizational roles and culture.
15. Discuss the three conditions of quality.
16. Practice systemic, rather than individual, solutions in management.
17. Teach the InsideOut Process as a mentoring model.
18. Explain the solving circle.
19. Practice win/win solutions in conflict management.
20. Discuss coaching business practices--creating website, newletter, niche, product funnel, SEO, article writing, etc.

Then in the following distance learning piece, you will:

1. Create your own personalized coaching forms.
2. Develop your budget for your coaching business.
3. Define your niche.
4. Develop a business plan.
5. Complete a thorough self-assessment.
6. Create your own plan for improvement with a partner.

If this sounds like an experience that would interest you, then please check us out at the Academy of Choice. Watch for our future programs for already practicing coaches and people who want to become coaches. We will also offer CE classes for coaches and coaching services for coaching. Watch for the announcements of these upcoming exciting programs.

 

 

The Relationship Center

Those of you who have been with me since the beginning of my business in 2004, know I have always had a website at www.therelationshipcenter.biz. This website focused on help for people wanting to improve their significant other relationships. I had a separate website for parenting at www.empowermentparenting.com and another for self-growth at www.insideoutcentral.com. I even had a separate website for businesses, dealing with relationship issues such as supervision, teambuilding and diversity issues at www.coachingforexcellence.biz. 

One of my goals for 2012 is to find the umbrella for all those sites, but what do they all have in common? I have been struggling with this question for many months. Then I remembered my mission: To help people get along better with the important people in their lives, including themselves, at home and at work. My life's work and passion is relationships. I help people get along better with the important people in their lives, including themselves, at home and at work. That covers significant other relationships, parenting, self-growth, and business issues.

I have my web designer working on combining these sites all under the umbrella of The Relationship Center. The Relationship Center is where people can get help with the important personal and work relationship in their lives. When your relationships are functioning in a supportive, encouraging, and peaceful ways, then the rest of your life seems effortless. What most people don't understand is that is doesn't necessarily take two to improve a relationship.

If you are unhappy in your relationship, you can change it by either changing what you want, changing what you are doing or changing your perceiption about the situation. People tend to create their own misery by dictating what the people in their lives need to do so they can be happy. When I stop counting on someone else to "fix" my problem and recognize that is my responsibility, then I am empowered to create my own happiness.

If work relationships are your source of stress, it might be you are a supervisor not getting the responses from your workers you'd like, or having difficulty forming and maintaining productive teamwork, employee morale, or priority management.

Sometimes the problem relationship is with yourself. Perhaps you want to loss weight, manage stress or time better, deal with grief, overcome anxiety or depression, or achieve your goals more effectively. This would fall under improving your relationship with yourself.

The Relationship Center has online products to help you--a blog, free assessments, a newsletter, teleconferences, webinars, tip sheets and eCourses. And if you prefer a more personal approach, we can help with group or individual coaching.

The Relationship Center will help you take control of your life by helping you focus on those things you can change rather than creating misery spending time and energy tyring to change everything else.

 

How Do You Handle Adversity?

Love and Trust

Today, I spoke with two women who experienced major trust violations in their respective relationships. One was in a two-year exclusive dating relationship and the other was in a 30-year marriage. And the issues are similar. Both relationships have ended.

Each woman was seriously disappointed by her man. Each went through the expected period of anger and then depression. But later, like the phoenix rising from the ashes, they both triumph. What does triumph look like in a situation like this?

Triumph is getting to a place where you no longer want revenge on the other person and you no longer long for them to come back to you. You have analyzed the relationship for all the life lessons there are to glean from it, thanked the Universe for the opportunity and recognize that a partner's breech of trust does not diminish you in any way. You are still you! You haven't let the situation turn you into a bitter, angry, non-trusting person. You haven't given your power away to the other person in the relationship by allowing him or her to "cause" you to feel less than.

Pick yourself up, live and learn, and get ready to move on. Life is too important to spend it angry at another or feeling sorry for yourself. There is more in store for you!

Negotiating Quality Time Together and Apart

One of the harder things for couples to negotiate is how much quality time to spend with each and how much time to spend apart. This is especially true when one partner's highest need is for love & belonging and the other person's highest need is for freedom.

Recently, I was speaking with a client who talked about her partner withdrawing from their relationship. She was beginning to wonder if there was a problem with the relationship. He seemed to not want to spend time with her. It appeared that even when he had time to spend, he preferred being alone to spending time with her.

She was struggling with how to broach the subject since she didn't want to use the Destructive Relationship Habits, especially criticizing and complaining. So she said nothing for a while and just thought about the situation.

Later it occurred to her that her man was dealing with many challenges. He was having financial problems, his parents were needing more extensive personal care and he was experiencing a disappointment with some of his closer friends. When she added all that up, she asked him if was feeling sad lately. He thought about it and admitted he was, in fact, quite sad. (It's important to remember that everything isn't about you and the relationship. Don't take things so personally.)

This woman knew that when her partner was experiencing negative emotions, he didn't like to be around anyone, including her. He didn't want to subject others to his down mood until he could figure out what to do about the situation.

He has a high need for freedom and she has a high need for love & belonging. If you are in a relationship like this, you need to ask for what you want. If you want more time together, ask. If you need time apart, take it.

When each person in the relationship puts the needs of the relationship above their individual needs, then negotiating is possible. However, if one person is more focused on their individual needs, then the person with the freedom need will trump the person with the love & belonging need. Why? The freedom need can be met without the other person's consent but the love & belonging need requires the cooperation of the other person.

If you are the one with a high love & belonging need, then find other ways to get that met. You could have an affair which is often one of the first solutions generated because it has the element of revenge. However if you value your relationship, you might want to try other options first. You can spend more time with friends, connect with family members, join a group or organization, or get a pet. There are many ways to get more love & belonging in your life. Give your partner the freedom he or she needs and he or she will return to you for quality time once their freedom need has been satisfied.

4 1/2 Ways to Change a Habit

Today I heard from  one of my clients who is working on two of my home study courses, Relationships from the Inside Out and Weight Loss from the Inside Out. This week she was working on a lesson called 4 1/2 Ways to Create Change and she had two quesitons. I thought they were worth sharing with you. She asked how these ideas would apply to having financial problems and wanting to eat sweets.

A person can solve the problem externally, called a Real World solution. It requires interacting with the world outside ourselves to get what we want.

When we can't get our solution from the Real World, then we have to turn our attention inward to what we can do to fix the problem.The second option is to do or think something different. If you keep doing what you've always done, you know how the saying goes . . . you'll keep getting what you always got. The third option is called changing what you want, or more accurately the priorities of what you want. Often to change habits to you have prioritize what you really want over what you want right now. Another way is to change your perception of either the habit you are trying to change or the new habit you are attemting to substitute. We often perceive giving up the old habit as a restriction of our freedom and engaging in the new habit as hard or undesireable.

And finally, the last way, called the 4 1/2 way is because it doesn't actually get you want you want, but as the Rolling Stones said, it can get you what you need. If none of your interventions work or you can't have what you want or you can't have it right now, then you want to look at this last option. Figure our which need(s), survival, love & belonging, power, freedom, or fun is/are being met by engaging in the habit you want to change. When identified, then it's always possible to get more of what you need even if you can't have specifically what you want.

4.5 Ways to Create Change: Finances

1. Real World Solution: Either you or your husband get a part-time job to make more money or you reduce your spending to fit in your current budget.
2. Behavior: You have to do or think something different. So if spending is the issue, assess your triggers and avoid them. Don't go to the mall for fun or surf the web where you will be tempted to buy things.
3. Quality World: You can't take spending out of your Quality World but you may be able to add something contrary in there. Living debt-free might be your new Quality World picture. Stay focused on that. Every time you want to spend, ask yourself the question, "Is whatever I want to buy right now more important than my financial freedom?"
4. Perception: This is where you have shifted your perception from perceiving your problem as a restriction of freedom to playing a game. Great!
5. Need: Ask yourself what need spending meets for you and then find another way to meet that need. It suspect it may be freedom. If freedom is the issue, then find ways to feel free and independent with choices that don't cost money.

So let's look at the cookie:

4.5 Ways to Create Change: Eating Sweets

1. Real World: Stop buying sweets. Don't have them in your office or your home. Avoid that isle in the grocery store. Make sure you always have healthy alternatives in your bag when you find yourself in situations where you are tempted.
2. Behavior: Start acting and thinking differently about food. Remember, food is supposed to provide us energy, that's it. If good health is what you want, then be conscious when you eat by asking yourself, "Am I really hungry?" "Can I wait to eat this?" 
3. Quality World: You want to keep your QW picture of the reason you want to lose weight foremost in your QW. It will help to keep reminding yourself of the long-term goal you are attempting to accomplish. Often, making changes to our habits involve giving up what we want right now for what we really want. You may have to ask yourself questions like, "Is the good feeling I'm going to get from this cookie really more important than (whatever your reason for losing weight is)?" Another great affirmation I've borrowed from Jack Canfield is: "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels."
4. Perception: Change your perception of sweets from "tasting good" to "poison to my body" and start perceiving that every time you eat sweets you are not rewarding yourself, you are poisoning yourself. This may be helpful. Another way to experience freedom in the restriction is to tell yourself, "I could eat this right now. I just don't want to."
5. Need: Find out what need you are meeting. From what you've alluded to in your emails, I suspect it might be freedom, but don't just accept that because I think so. Really look at your behavior and determine for yourself. But whatever the need, you find other ways to meet it. If it is freedom, you will want to find ways to get your freedom need met that don't cost money or involve food. Let me know if this helps or if you have further questions.

Have you ever changed a habit? Which method did you use?

Integrity with Self

Welcome 2012! Did you enter the New Year with hopes and dreams about accomplishing goals you didn't realize last year? Do you know what you want to accomplish in 2012? Do you have the knowledge and skills necesarry to do so? Have you written down your goals? What is your history? Will you accomplish your goals or will you lose steam somewhere around the time the Super Bowl is broadcast?

If losing steam is your issue, then you may want to take a look at your integrity with yourself. I find many trustworthy, honest people who would never even consider breaking a promise to a friend, family member or collegue But when it comes to honoring the agreements they make with themselves, it seems much easier to  break those commitments.

Why do you think that is? Why is it that we honor our commitments to others more than we do to ourselves? It seems people have a problem holding themselves accountable all by themselves. Accountability increases when a person admits their goals to another person. Making a public declaration increases the likelihood we'll honor our commitments to ourselves. What would it take to prioritize ourselves and honor our commitments to self first?

1. We would need to believe we are worth it.
2. We'd have to set realistic and flexible goals.
3. We'd have to take consistent action toward those goals everyday.
4. We'd have to be willing to adjust our course as needed while avoiding the tendency to beat up ourselves.
5. And finally, we have to celebrate our successes and make a space to appreciate all we have and have accomplished.

I'll expand on each of these points in future posts. If you want an added layer of accountability, then post your top three goals for 2012 here. It's a public forum and you will feel an added pressure to follow through on what you said you'd do. What are your top three goals for 2012?

Appreciation for Military Families

Today I spent the day with military families welcoming soldiers back after a deployment to Iraq. Can you imagine what it would be like to have your husband or wife leave for approximately nine months to a year? You get to talk by Skype but you don't see each other. Then he or she comes home and you are trying to put your relaitonship back to some semblance of normal.

There are so many issues military fmailies face. For some there were questions of infidelity. For others, there may have been financial concerns. The person left home doesn't always have the same spending habits and priorities as the person on deployment and that can be stressful. Then, there may be parenting concerns. Often one parent parents much differently alone than a couple parents together. This can cause issues when the deployed spouse returns and attempts to step back into their parenting role.

Another issue can simply be the division of labor in the home. Often when a person gets back from deployment, there is an adjustment period. People have gone from an environment where almost all their decisions were made for them to a home situation where hundreds of decisions need to made daily. It's not uncommon for the military member to wait to be isolated for some time before rejoining social circles.

The spouse left behind may have been counting the days till the military member got home so they could unload some of the household responsibilities, but the military member may not be ready to assume those responsibilities. On the hand, sometimes the spouse at home enjoy the added tasks they had to assume while their spouse deployed and they don't want to give up paying the bills or having sole parenting responsibilities. In this case, sometimes the military member is ready to resume their activities and the spouse does not want to give them up.

Sometimes there are couples who can serve as the example for all military families. There are couples with such resiliency and understanding that they can go through deployments without missing a beat.

Whatever the situation, I am in awe of couples willing to serve their country in this way. Service members give up their freedom so others can enjoy theirs. They lose valuable time with their families to do their jobs. They give up so much so others can benefit. The more work I do with military families, the greater appreciation I gain. These are some amazing people and I am grateful for them.