Relationship Bridge Building

Attitude Changes Everything

"Whenever you're in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude."--William James 

Whenever there is conflict with someone, allow the conflict to be a trigger to explore with curiosity what is at the root of the conflict, rather than engaging in a tug or war over which one of you is correct. If you approach the conflict knowing you both have valid points, then you strengthen your relationship by developing win/win solutions.

Relationships A - Z (Part Two)

This post continues my list of Relationships A - Z from J to Q. Enjoy the read but more importantly, put these ideas into practice in your relationship if you aren't already.

J = Eliminate Jealousy

Your partner is not your possession. Jealousy will not bring you closer. Jealousy stems from four root causes: insecurity, past experiences, thinking your partner is your possession and expecting things to never change. Do you know where yours comes from?

K =Kindness

When in a loving relationship, you want to treat your partner with kindness, even when it's not returned. You are kind because you never know when either you or your partner will have your last day on earth and you are kind because that is the kind of person you want to be.

L = Listening

I'm not talking about simply listening to hear. I'm talking about listening for understanding. Instead of tuning out or just waiting for your partner to take a breath, really listen to try to see where he or she is coming from. You don't have to find agreement, just a better understanding. This will really help you when we get to the letter "N."

M = Maintenance

Getting the guy/girl is not the end, but rather just the beginning. What are you doing to nurture your long-term relationship?

N = Negotiating Differences

In any relationship, there will be times when you want different things. Most of the time, when you and someone else want different things, you try to figure out how you can get what you want.

When you are negotiating differences, you have a completely different mindset. Now you are concerned with both getting what you want AND helping the other person get what he or she wants too. When you have this mindset of both win, it becomes relatively easy to find a solution.

O = Openness

Transparency is important in a loving relationship. Being a private person is great, but in a loving relationship, you don't want to keep secrets from your partner. A long term committed relationship is a huge gift you give one another. Reward each other with transparency so a strong bond of trust can develop.

P = Pamper

Don’t just pamper your partner when you are getting to know each other. Continuing the pampering forever! Instead of focusing on the things your partner does that are annoying to you, put your focus on the things you love. When you focus on the positive, you’d be surprised at how easy it is to continue the pampering long after the “I Dos.”

Q = Quixotic

I know, I was definitely reaching for a “Q” word here but allow me to provide the definition since I never knew this word before searching the dictionary. According to Webster, quixotic means: absurdly or extravagantly romantic or chivalrous. It goes right along with Pamper. Don’t stop the romance or chivalry just because you “got” the guy or girl. Continue it forever. The more you love each other, the more you will love each other.

Relationship ABCs

When you are in a relationship you value, it is important to subscribe to the ABCs of Relationships, mind your P & Qs and everything else from A to Z.

A - Accepting

When in a relationship, it is important to accept your partner as he or she is, instead of always trying to change him or her. If you want to embark on a self-improvement plan, start with yourself. When you don’t like something about your partner, it’s experiences as criticism.

When you accept other’s idiosyncrasies, it is the gift of unconditional love.

B = Believe

When you are in a relationship, you must believe in your partner. Believe in their abilities, believe in their dreams, and believe in their love. When you have a partnership, you believe in each other. No one should have more faith in your partner than you do.

C = Communication

Effective communication is critical to the success of intimate relationships.

D = Disagree in Private

Whenever you are having disagreements, discuss them in private. The whole world does not need to know your personal business. When you are with others, including children, parents and friends, do not look to them to take sides. Work out your issues with no spectators.

E = Encourage

Encouraging your partner is about being his or her cheerleader, helping him/her to do things s/he wants to do.

F = Friendship

When you are in a successful relationship, your partner is someone you genuinely like and with whom you share common interests. When important things happen you are excited to tell your significant other. You don't try to manipulate him or her. You share a genuine friendship.

G = Gratitude

Be grateful every moment for your loved one's presence in your life. You never know when a life is going to end. And remember, your loved one has a choice. He or she can always find another who will show more gratitude. Gratitude doesn't make you weak; it makes you appealing.

H = Happiness

When you love someone, you want them to know you are happy to be with him/her. Have you ever seen how happy a dog gets when his or her owner comes home? That's how happy you want your partner to know you are when you are with him or her.

I = Integrity

Integrity is important in all relationships but is of utmost importance in your intimate one. Say what you do & do what you say w/o exception. Do not make promises unless you intend to keep them and when you do, move heaven and earth to make it happen.

Let me know what you think and if you would add anything to my list. Stay tuned for the next installment of J to R.

What's Really Important this Holiday Season?

As you get involved in the holiday season this year, let's not forget what's really important. It isn't the presents, it isn't the food or the decorations. It's the people in our lives who are important to us.

I have watched people get caught up in the hype, busyness and resultant stress of the holiday season, only to lash out at the poeple we love. We tend to heap all kinds of unrealistic expectations upon ourselves and our family members only to be disappointed.

I remember making a list of the things that needed to get done for the holidays back when I was a single mom with two teenage boys. I remember sitting them down and asking them if there was anything they would be willing to help with. Remember, they were boys! They didn't want to help.

So my next question was what can we do without? If I can't do it all by myself, then what would they be willing to give up. Their answers surprised me. They didn't care if their gifts were wrapped as long as there were gifts. They told me they didn't need a tree or Christmas cookies. They couldn't care less whether or not I sent out Christmas cards.

When I looked at what was important to me and what was most important to them, I was able to take many things off my list, reduce the stress, and enjoy the holidays more.

What are the former "must dos" that you can do without with holiday season?

Ask for What You Want

I know I frequently talk about problem identification, meaning the person who is most upset about a situation is the person who owns the problem and is responsible for its solution. But I don't always focus on the initial step. The first step is to ask for what you want. We are not always good at asking directly for what we want, especially the female gender.

We tend to hint around about what we want and then get angry when our significant other doesn't read our mind. When we want something from someone else, whether it's in our personal or professional lives, we owe it to ourselves and the other person to directly ask for what we want.

Who knows? You might actually get lucky and when you ask for what you want, you actually get it. That really does happen. But often it doesn't. And when it doesn't, you are left with the options of suffering in silence, making the other person suffer by trying to make him or her solve YOUR problem, or adjusting yourself to better deal with the issue.

However, don't forget the first step and ask directly for what you want.

The Power of the Mastermind

One thing I love to be a part of is a fully functioning mastermind group. I participated in two mastermind groups today and both were outstanding.

As executive director of The William Glasser Institute, I have the vision of getting more people involved in its revitalization. I host a mastermind group each month and invite all members to participate. The call is titled, "Inquiries, Ideas and Involvement. My goal is to answer any questions people may have, hear ideas for growth and getting people involved in improvements and implementing the ideas they have. Each month more and more people attend.

The second call is entitle, InsideOut Empowerment Mastermind. I invite anyone on my mailing list who wants to be implementing choice theory and the concepts of InsideOut Empowerment. My goal is to provide a free place where those interested in the concepts can get help with their implementation. We plan to have no more than six people on a call so each person can get individual attention. When there are more than six people, then a second group will be formed. Some groups have opted to continue meeting on their own. Other member have opted for weely group coaching instead of the monthly mastermind.

The synergy of the mastermind is awesome. The group can create so much more than the individuals alone. In order for masterminds to be successful, then they must be supportive, cooperative and challenging.

To become part of our mastermind group, just go to www.insideoutempowerment.com and sign up. The power of the mastermind will help you accomplish more than you can alone and they will hold you accountable for what you commit to doing.

Why wouldn't you try it? It's free. It's only one hour a month. Other like-minded people will contribute to your success. I will record your commited action for next time and check in with you about whether or not you did as promised last month. When you're ready for success, come and join us.