Parenting: Roots & Wings--My Story

I remember when my oldest son was sixteen and working as a waiter in a local diner. He became involved in a confrontation with a customer over a racial remark the customer made. When hearing the story, I was extremely proud that my son stood up for equality and fairness but was actually mortified by his immature, locker room behavior that he displayed! No, I will not print exactly what he did but suffice it to say that it was not a proud maternal moment.

My son and I had several conversations about this incident over the next few days and I was unable to get him to understand what he had done was inappropriate. Finally, he said to me, “Mom, I know you want me to say that I was wrong but I’m not ashamed of what I did. In fact, I would do exactly the same thing if the situation presents itself again.” Wow, I guess he told me!

I had to practice what I preach. His value system was not matching up with mine. It was very clear to me that he was “wrong”, however, in his world at that time, he did the “right” thing for him. When you give your child wings, you need to allow them to do things their own way even if you are sure a better way exists. You can offer your better way in the form of a suggestion, but then get out of the way and allow your child to make the decision and to manage the consequences that occur because of that decision.

This process helps our children become better decision makers. We talk with our children about all the choices that exist, and then examine the pros and cons of each choice. After that, we must step back and allow our children to make the decision that’s right for them. Then, we can talk to them about how things worked out but never protect them from the consequences of their decisions. This is where the learning takes place.

You are there to support them and help them manage the consequences but don’t intervene on their behalf and also don’t assume that “I told you so” attitude. That does not teach your child anything but not to come to you to talk things over anymore.

Check out our home study course, "Empowerment Parenting"  if you want to learn more.