Parenting: Giving Permission

When your child asks you to do something he or she has not done before and you are not completely comfortable with it, tell your child “yes” with a specific stipulation. The stipulation is that you need to be reasonably assured that he or she will be safe. Tell your child that as the parent, it is your job to keep your children safe. Children don’t like that but it's difficult to argue against.

         

Take time to think of your objections and concerns. As you discuss them one by one with your child, have your child explain to you how he or she would handle the concerns and situations you raise. Until your child can convince you he or she has the knowledge and skills necessary to protect him or herself, then you need to withhold your permission.

         

You do not have to believe, beyond a reasonable doubt, that your child will actually use the skills he or she professes. It should be enough to know that they possess them. If and/or when your child enters a situation and doesn’t behave in the way your child told you he or she would, then you restrict your child’s freedom until he or she develops the requisite skills necessary to manage that freedom and then you restore the freedom. It’s a dance of trust. The positive thing is that you get to discuss your concerns and formulate plans with your child for managing the scary situations of adolescence.

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