Relationship Bridge Building

Parenting: Roots & Wings

I’m sure many of you have heard that old Hallmark card adage that goes something like this: Parents give their children two great gifts--one is roots, the other is wings.

As parents, we pray for our children’s safety, health and happiness. We do everything we know to help make these things happen for them.

At some point in our lives, we developed the principles and values that guide our life decisions. Our parents and/or caregivers certainly had influence over this but not complete determination. Some of us gladly adopted the values of our parents and continue to live by them today. Some of us so completely rejected our parents' values that our decisions are determined by doing the exact opposite of what we believe our parents would do.

Most of us, however, are somewhere in the middle---we have accepted some of our parents' values and rejected others. This is a normal process of development. As parents, though, we really fight that period in our children’s lives when they are attempting to differentiate themselves from us.

Maybe it is because we fear for their safety in their decision-making. Maybe we can see that they are engaging in unhealthy behavior or heading down a life path that will ultimately lead to unhappiness. Whatever the reason, we get scared if our children’s values differ too much from our own.

What can we, as parents, do? Let's talk about that next time.

Free Depression Teleconference

Overcoming Depression
          April 28, 2008
            8:45 - 9:45 p.m. EST

      

Do you suffer from symptoms of depression? Do parts of your life seem out of control and unmanageable? Would you like to develop the strength to overcome these feeling without medication? This call will help. The most effective way to successfully change feelings you don't want to be experiencing is by taking control of what you can control. In this dynamic, empowering call you will learn steps you can take to begin to have more happiness in your life again, regardless of what is happening around you.

Giving up External Control in Relationships

Q: I attended a one-day workshop you did about a year ago in Choice Theory and I am really trying to apply what I learned in my relationship with my husband. I find I do really well for a few days and then I fall back into my old external control  patterns. What can I do?

A: I don't know about you, but I know that for me, it is unrealistic to expect that a one-day workshop will totally undo 30-50 years of external control behavior. Research shows us that it takes 30-90 days to form a new habit. This is difficult to apply to using choice theory because there is no consistent application of it. For example, if someone is attempting to exercise daily, then exercise is done everyday. One cannot predict when one will be able to practice choice theory.   

I remember when I first learned Choice Theory in 1987, my children were three and five years-old. I committed to using CT with them and in my relationship with my husband. I wasn't always successful. Old habits are difficult to change. What I did do, though, was to continue to study CT. I became certified and then I continued on the instructor track. This continuous study is the thing that became instrumental in helping me internalize these concepts. It helped being around others who were as committed to the ideas as I was.   

This is actually one of the reasons that I offer coaching services. I wanted to offer people a way to stay connected to the learning and the consistent implementation of the ideas in their lives. A coach will help by providing alternatives to external control behavior. If you are serious about making a major change in your life, then hire a coach to help ensure your success, much in the same way you would hire a personal trainer when you embark on a new exercise routine.   Good luck, don't give up and keep up the good work.

To learn more about our coaching packages, click here.

Free Relationship Advice

Disagreements in relationships are inevitable. I have yet to meet a couple who always wanted the same things at the same time in the same way. Being two separate people means that at times, you will want different things, thus creating disagreements. How you manage these disagreements is key.   

There are some gender differences that come into play here. When a women is upset, she tends to keep quiet, believing that if her partner truly loves her, then he will KNOW what is wrong. When men get upset, they tend to withdraw within themselves while they are working out a possible solution. Women are generally ready to talk about problems much sooner than men and will attempt to work things out while their male companion is still working things out in his head. This can cause even further disruption in the relationship.   

One of the things I recommend first is that women need to express their needs and desires to their mate with as few words as possible. Women tend to go on and on about why they feel the way they do when that only tends to confuse the issue for the men.   

Secondly, women need to give men the space they need to retreat into themselves. Trust that they will return when they have a solution. Men need this space. Women who try to engage men prior to them being ready will not like the conversation they get.   

Thirdly, I want to see men honoring their women by listening to them and trying to understand their point of view without feeling the need to defend themselves. When a woman is upset, she typically speaks in absolutes such as, "You are NEVER home. You NEVER listen to me. You NEVER help out around here." She doesn't really mean "never" but she is venting and  needs you to understand the underlying meaning of what she says.   

Finally, I strongly recommend never going to bed angry at your partner. When we sleep on our anger and resentments, they tend to grow, making it even more difficult to start the healing process the next day.   There is a lot more to working out disagreements in relationships but this is a start.

Check out our home study course, "Relationships from the Inside Out" to learn more.

Relationship Quote

            

"The most important thing in any relationship is not what you get but what you give."
                         -- Elenore Roosevelt

       

       

This quote supports the work we do in the negotiation process with couples. Each person describes what is wrong with their relationship and then they are asked what is right with the relationship. The next question is, "If you could do something different all this week that would be a gift and a help to your relationship, what would you give?" It's not about getting what you want. It's not about coercing your partner to give you what you want. It's a simple gift that you give, from the heart without strings or expectiations. This is what makes it so powerful. Take our home study course called "Relationships from the Inside Out" and learn more about this powerful process.

Free Parenting Teleconference

Empowerment Parenting
        April 22, 2008
        8:45 - 9:45 p.m. EST

      

You cannot continue to parent your children the way you did when they were younger children, or even the way your parents parented you. The world is different! Children are different! If you do not learn new innovations in parenting, your efforts will likely be ineffective at best, and actually destructive at their worst. Join us for this teleconference and learn about the inherent conflict between parents and their children, as well as ways to circumvent it. You can reasonably insure your child’s safety and still maintain a positive relationship.

Free Time Management Teleconference

Time Management
        April 15, 2008
        8:45 - 9:45 p.m. EST

      

Ever wished you could have some extra time in your day? We all know that's not possible but it is possible to learn to maximize each moment so you can get everything out of your day you want. Join me on the teleconference where I will teach you some time-tested techniques to do just that!