Relationship Bridge Building

Help for Relationships

It seems as if creating successful relationships with our significant others and parenting children are two of the most difficult jobs we face and yet we get no formal training in either. It’s as if people believe that we are born with an inherent ability to do these two things. Yet, look around us. In the US , the divorce rate is slightly over 50%! I don’t know anywhere but baseball where a 50% average is a good thing.

Couples go through life getting along when times are good; and fighting with, ignoring, or leaving each other when things get tough. Most people believe that to seek help with their relationships means to admit a certain kind of defeat that says something about who they are as a person. Or possibly, they believe that relationships are something we are just supposed to be able to manage on our own. Or, finally, some people believe that those out there helping couples can’t know any more than they do. After all, what’s to know about keeping relationships together?

Well, the truth is that there is a whole lot to learn when it comes to relationships. Unfortunately, the only training most of us ever receive is the passive learning we get through the modeling of the adults who live in our house with us and the media. Now, I don’t know about you, but my parents had only received the informal training they got from their parents, and they from my great grandparents and so on back through the generations. There is so much more to know about relationships than that!

Sign up for our Relationships from the Inside Out Teleconference, it's free and learn more about what you didn't learn at home or in school. Register Here.

Free Teleclass: Anger Management

Anger Management
      February 26, 2008
        8:45 - 9:45 p.m. EST

      

Are you someone who is confronted with angry people in the course of your life? Spouses, children, extended family members, neighbors, community embers who have tempers and like to yell at you? Want to learn ways to take the wind out their sails and have them communicating more cooperatively? Then this class is for you! Register Here.

Peaceful Parenting

Peaceful Parenting by Dr. Nancy Buck

            

This is a book with special significance to me. After my husband passed away, I was left with the daunting task of attempting to raise two angry, confused teenage boys. In my marriage, my husband had always been the disciplinarian and I the “pushover.” I knew I couldn’t continue being the pushover or my boys would be running all over me. I had total faith in Choice Theory but really didn’t know how to apply the concepts concretely to parenting. Peaceful Parenting became my instruction manual, along with regular calls to its author, Nancy Buck, my personal friend.
                  
        Peaceful Parenting begins with an explanation of Choice Theory so that readers can understand the psychology behind its methods. This explains the human five basic needs as genetic instructions. We are born with a drive to get our needs met but we don’t come with instructions on how to do that without hurting others. So, if we are attempting to satisfy our need for power, we could do so by beating someone up or performing well on a test in school. Both meet the same need---it’s just that one is more responsible than the other. Responsibility must be taught and learned.
       
Dr. Buck then goes on to explain her developmental model of how the various need strengths change depending on what stage a person is in. Babies are motivated by the survival need. Once an infant is approximately two-months old and is beginning to smile and recognize familiar faces, then the love & belonging need kicks in. Around two-years old, most of us understand toddlers are pushed by their needs for power and freedom. After that, children basically alternate every six months between the cooperative and the competitive needs---thus love & belonging and fun are in place and then six months later, power and freedom seem to kick in. Just when you are at your wits end and think you can’t take your child one more day, the love & belonging and fun needs kick in again. And this continues into young adulthood at which time Dr. Buck suggests a gender split.
       
        Peaceful Parenting talks about how a parent’s driving need to keep their children safe often conflicts with the children's needs to explore their world and gain more freedom. This is what Dr. Buck calls the inherent conflict between parents and their children. She demonstrates a process by which both parents and children can get what they need through open negotiation with limits being set by parents around safety issues. She talks about restricting freedom only as long as it takes to teach responsible behaviors to manage the freedom.
       
Dr. Buck's work has provided hope to parents everywhere. There is a way to raise children to become responsible adults without punishing and criticizing them and without the stress and strain of WW III occurring within your household. Purchase Peaceful Parenting today and learn how to start this process with your children. Mine are 22 and 24 years-old now and I couldn’t be prouder of the young men they have become. They are responsible and independent, making good decisions most of the time. You can create these outcomes in your family, as well.

            

        Click here to order this book or visit
        www.Peacefulparenting.com

Love is Letting Go of Fear

 Love is Letting Go of Fear
    by Gerald G. Jampolsky, MD 

An oldie but a goodie. In it, Jampolsky proposes living by 12 lessons. He suggests that each day we choose one to focus on both in the morning on awakening and at night when retiring. He further suggests writing the lesson on an index card and carrying it with you during the day to refer to several times, while actively concentrating on and implementing it during the day. When you are finished with each lesson, you are to repeat the process until you are thinking of the lessons without prompting.
Based on content from A Course in Miracles, Jampalsky’s lessons are empowering concepts to get our minds around. Read with an open mind. 

Lesson 1: All That I Give is Given to Myself

This lesson is speaking about the more love you give away, the more is returned to you. The Law of Abundance applies to this principle. Don’t be stingy and try to save love because that very act is what will deprive you. It’s similar to the expression, “What goes around; comes around.”

Lesson 2: Forgiveness is the Key to Happiness

Whenever we hold on to past hurts and grievances, we don’t allow ourselves peace of mind or true happiness. We need to learn to let things go and to forgive ourselves and give up our guilt.

Lesson 3: I Am Never Upset for the Reason I Think

This refers to the provocative thought that instead of our perceptions of the world outside of us being the cause and our emotions being the effect, the world outside ourselves is really the effect of the cause of our thinking. In other words, we actually create our reality by the thoughts we think instead of our reality creating our thoughts and feelings. Pretty deep, huh?

Lesson 4: I Am Determined to See Things Differently

This lesson speaks to the fact that most of us miss the current moment we are in either worrying about our future or obsessing over our past. Neither one of which is something we can change. Making a conscious effort to stay present in the moment will help to see things differently without the context of the past to color our perceptions.

 

Lesson 5: I Can Escape the World I See by Giving Up Attack Thoughts

This thought is intricately tied to Lesson 3. If we realize that our external world is created by our thoughts, then whenever we perceive someone as attacking us, we only have to replace that thought with thoughts of love in order to stop the attack. I know this is a deep concept but the field of quantum physics seems to be providing evidence that this concept has some validity.

    Lesson 6: I Am Not the Victim of the World I See

Jampolsky tells us, “When we allow ourselves to think we are living in an unfriendly environment where we must fear being hurt or victimized, we can only suffer.” When we understand that the world is a creation of our own mind, then we can simply change our minds about what we see. (Well, maybe not so simply, but it can be done if we are determined.)

Lesson 7: Today I Will Judge Nothing That Occurs

Think about what it would be like to spend one entire day judging nothing and no one, including yourself. Whenever we judge, we are fragmenting a part of the person of which we disapprove and this judgment is a habit from our past that results in nothing but “fear and conditional love.” When we make the decision to love, we become able to focus on people’s strengths and overlook their weaknesses. Can you even imagine what that might be like?

Lesson 8: This Instant Is the Only Time There Is

When we hold onto the negative experiences from our past---the guilt, regrets and complaints---we tend to project the past into the present and the future, imaging that the bad things from the past will simply continue to repeat in our future. This instant is the only time there is pertains to us being fully present in each moment so that we let go of the guilt of the past and the worry about the future.

    Lesson 9: The Past Is Over It Can Touch Me Not

So often we allow our experiences from the past to make us fearful of the present and future, we cannot be truly present, nor can we open ourselves up for love. We must realize that the past is over and can hurt us no more. There is no need to protect oneself from things that are over. When you can open yourself up for love, you can release the past and the blame you hold for yourself and others.

    Lesson 10: I Could See Peace Instead of This

Jampolsky says that when we are constantly dwelling on our painful pasts and worrying about our anticipated futures, then we lose the ability to experience happiness in the present moment. We are constantly in a state of conflict and cannot be truly happy. Living in the moment is the key to happiness.

    Lesson 11: I Can Elect to Change All Thoughts that Hurt

While expecting pain to come into our lives, there is a way to change those thoughts. We can use the power or our minds to imagine a way out of our problems and use visualization to put ourselves in a place that is peaceful. Once we have mastered this skill, we can carry that peace with us wherever we go. There is also wisdom in viewing problems as opportunities. That way we can accept problems as challenges and view their solution as learning that will promote our growth. We are never presented with a problem that we are not ready to handle.

    Lesson 12: I Am Responsible for What I See

This is how the book ends with Jampolsky reminding us that we have created everything we have in our lives and if we are not satisfied, then we must change our thoughts to attract the love and happiness into our lives that we desire.
    Click here to order this book

Relationship Compatibility: Freedom and Fun

This is the last post on Relationship Compatibility regarding the Basic Needs of Choice Theory.

The fourth need to discuss is the need for freedom. People with a high need for freedom are independent and like to do things their own way. High freedom need people generally don't like rules---particularly ones that don't make sense. They also value their time alone. They like to do what they want, when they want. 

There is usually an inverse relationship between the love & belonging and the freedom needs. When a person has a high need for love & belonging, he or she typically has a lower need for freedom and vice versa. Of course, there are exceptions but typically there is an opposite relationship between the two. 

The last of Choice Theory’s basic human needs is fun. Fun seems pretty straightforward but there are some subtleties to it that are necessary to understand. There are basically three kinds of fun. There is the loud, energetic kind of fun that people might get from physical activity and parties, for example. There is the quiet, relaxing kind of fun that might be enjoyed by fishing, lying in a hammock on a warm summer’s day or reading for pleasure. Then there is learning as fun. Now, I’m not talking about when you learned algebra! For most of us that wasn’t fun but I am talking about learning something you are interested in that has useful application for you. It is the sheer joy of learning something that interests you.

Everyone has various ways of meeting their fun needs and it is these differences that can drastically affect your satisfaction in your relationship.  It is not always true that in order for your relationship to succeed, you must have equal or almost equal need strengths in all five needs. For some needs, it is best when one of you is high and one of you is low in that need. Take our Free Assessment at The Relationship Center's "Free Stuff" page and see how your relationship measure up.

Relationship Compatibility: The Power Need

The third of the human needs is power, which can be a difficult need to understand because power generally has a negative connotation associated with it. When people hear "power" they often think of one person exerting their power over another person. While this is one way, albeit not the best way, to meet one's power need, there are two other ways which are more responsible and palatable. 

There are three ways to meet one's need for power---power over others, power with others and power within ourselves. Power over others is not a responsible way to meet one's power need because it interferes with the other person getting his or her needs met. There are plenty of people who use power over others but I am advocating for the other two ways when seeking compatibility in relationships.

When people have a high need for power, they are born driven to get this need met. They don’t know how to get it met; they just know they must find ways to feel powerful. Often, you can observe in small children the tendency to power over others. Then, hopefully, life teaches children the other two ways to seek power. 

When you look for "power with" others, it means that you are able to work cohesively with a group of people to advance toward a common goal. Many winning sports teams display this "power with" concept, as well as effective work teams and even fully functioning families. "Power with" others can be a very satisfying way of meeting one’s power needs. 

The final way to meet one’s need for power is "power within" oneself. This is generally seen as a need for pride or competence. Those with a high power need who meet it through power within methods like to always do their best. They may seem to be perfectionistic but producing their best is very need satisfying to them.  In relationships, this power need accounts for workaholism, people who always need to control everything around them and a low degree of tolerance for imperfection in others. The power need has a big influence in interpersonal relationships.

Do you have compatibility in the area of power with your mate or there challenges in this area? What have done to attempt to work it out?

   

Free Teleclass: Inside Out Thinking

Inside Out Thinking
          February 19, 2008
      8:45 - 9:45 p.m. EST

      

Do you find that your happiness is often contingent on people, circumstances or things that you have no control over? Do you feel like life is just passing you by while you wait for.... Inside Out Thinking is such a powerful way to unleash your personal power in a big way. Take control of your life. It's free. Register Here.

Relationship Compatibility on Love & Belonging and Survival

Let's continue the discussion of Relationship Compatibility along the indexes of the basic human needs as defined in Choice Theory.

The first need is called love & belonging. It is the need that determines how much connection you require with others. Generally speaking, relationships work best when you have equivalent strengths of the love & belonging need. This is the need that will help you determine as a couple how much time you spend together and how much time is needed apart. Loving sex and romance is another aspect of this need, as are extended family and friends. 

The second of the five basic needs is survival. This is so much more than just the need to physically survive, although that is part of it. It is also the psychological need to feel safe and secure. Areas of potential conflict around this need involve the ability to adapt to change, how you spend and save money, preparations one makes for safety, risk-taking behavior, spontaneity, among other things. 

Do you have compatibility or frustration in your relationship around these two needs? Have you taken our Free Asssessment  yet?

How Compatible are You and Your Partner?

What are the things you argue about? Where are the disagreements? The small resentments? Where do you have to give in to get along?

Do you argue over money? Are you fighting over sex? Do you have different ideas about how much time you should spend together and apart? Do you squabble over extended family and friends? Is one of you daring and reckless, while the other wants to play things safe? Does one of you want to be right all the time? Does one of you want to always be in control? Do you disagree about the fun activities in your life?   

Couples may have conflict over many areas but do you know there is a simple explanation for the conflict?  When looking for a life partner, it is a good idea to take a close look at your “Need Strength Profile”, based on Dr. William Glasser’s work in the area of Choice Theory. This simple assessment will determine where you and your partner are in terms of the five basic needs and help you determine what areas are compatible and what areas should generate discussion and possible compromise and negotiation.

There is a free assessment at http://www.therelationshipcenter.biz on the "Free Stuff" page that will provide a rudimentary understanding of where you are with regard to the five basic human needs of Choice Theory---love & belong, survival, power, freedom and fun. If you are seeking compatibility in a relationship, you and your partner can both take this assessment and then discuss your results based on your understanding of the basic needs as I will describe in upcoming posts.

Take the assessment and let me know what you think.

Happy Valentine's Day

February is a month to focus on relationships. There is a lot of media hype surrounding Valentine's Day--take the one you love. . .buy the one you love. . .etc. Unfortunately, your relationship needs more than just focusing on it one day a year for it to be healthy, happy and successful. If you take the one you love for granted 364 days a year and only appreciate him or her on Valentine's Day, your relationship will probably be in trouble.

The truth is, if you want a happy, healthy, and successful relationship, you must nourish it the way you would a cherished garden. You need to weed it, water it, fertilize it, and gives thanks for it if you want it to bear fruit. You spend this kind of time on your career, don't you? You might spend this kind of time on your hobbies. Do you invest the time and energy necessary for your relationship in the same way?

This year, why don't you use Valentine's Day as the beginning of your quest to let your special someone know how important he or she is to you everyday. It doesn't take much. . .just your attention to its importance. A thank you, a kiss, a flower picked from the garden, a note in the briefcase or on the pillow of your bed, a word of encouragement, an offer to do something the other person is normally responsible for, an intimate touch, a few moments to be really present with your partner to let him or her know just how special they are to you. Don't put your relationship on autopilot. It won't function optimally on that setting.

What do you do all year to appreciate your loved one? What do you wish your loved one would do to appreciate you?