Relationship Bridge Building

Relationship Habits: The Next Level

There are ways to simultaneously honor both yourself and your partner. The first step is to recognize when you are using external control behavior. You will probably be able to recognize it long before you feel prepared to do anything about it. This is acceptable. Of course, the best case scenario is that from this moment forward, every time you consider externally controlling your partner, you stop yourself and use a Caring Relationship Habit instead.       

However, if that is not what happens in your case, don’t despair. Recognizing external control is the first step—bringing it into your conscious awareness. Once it’s there, then you can make a decision about what you are going to do about it.

Sometimes your fear of losing your partner is something that keeps you from using the Caring Habits. This fear comes from a faulty place of illusion. Your partner is never yours to own. Yes, in marriage you make promises. You want to believe those promises will last a lifetime but the reality is people are free to come and go in our lives. The tighter you try to hold on to someone, the greater the likelihood they will leave. And if you are successful in getting the person to stay, do you really want a relationship based on guilt and obligation? Sometimes the Caring Relationship Habits seem counterintuitive because we have been raised to believe in external control but know that every time you use external control, you are weakening the strength of your relationship.

These are universal principles. The Caring Habits can be used in any relationship. You can implement them with your children, your parents, your in-laws, your siblings, your co-workers, your supervisor or basically anyone in your life with whom you’d like to get along better. Just make the decision to use them regardless of what the other person does.

I need to caution about one potential pitfall. Let’s say you are committing yourself to using the Caring Habits and you want your partner to do so too. You must guard against the natural inclination to say, “I’m doing this and I think you should too.” No, you need to make the decision to do so because it will be great for your relationship regardless of what your partner does. This is not a situation where you should say, “I’ll do it if you do.” Just take the first step, start using the Caring Habits and you will be amazed at what happens.

Have you practiced any of these Relationship Habits? If so, please tell your story.

Relationship Habit: Negotiating Differences

Negotiating Differences is the final habit. It is unrealistic to think you can be in relationship with anyone and not encounter differences. Using the Caring Habits does not mean you need to be your partner’s doormat, constantly giving up what you want in favor of what he or she wants. No, being in a committed, healthy relationship means you both figure out win/win ways for you both to get what you need.

What this looks like is you take turns sharing with your partner what it is that you want. You both listen for understanding. You talk about placing the good of the relationship above either of your individual needs and then, figure out a way you can both win and get what you need in the process. The key to this is there is no coercion for any specific behavior change from either partner. The negotiation is a freely given gift to the relationship. And, you both must be willing to place your own individual needs on the back burner, while negotiating what is best for your relationship.

Do you have any examples of either a time you successfully negotiated a win/win solution or a conflict you think doesn't have one?

Relationship Habit: Accepting

Accepting is one of the more challenging habits. I always say you have at least three options in a dissatisfying relationship. You can leave it, change it, or accept it. When you are attempting to change it, there are usually two ways to do it. Most of the time, you try to change your relationship by getting the other person to change so you can be happier. This is when you will engage in the Deadly Relationship Habits. Another way to change things is to change yourself, as I am suggesting happens when you implement the Caring Habits. If you decide your attempts to change have been unsuccessful and you don’t want to leave the relationship, then accepting is what is left available to you.

Accepting means you accept those traits, characteristics and behaviors in another without resentment. If you are holding onto your resentment, that is simply another way you are trying to change the person. Acceptance sounds like this: “I am choosing to stay in relationship with you because that is what I want. I recognize you are not perfect, just as I am not, but the positive greatly outweighs the negative. I know this is simply a part of you and I accept you fully and love you exactly as you are.” When you can get to this place with a loved one, it is truly a beautiful thing.

Can you name something about your loved one you've truly come to accept without resentment?

Relationship Habit: Respecting

Respecting is a very interesting concept. In a relationship, you should never do anything that demeans or reduces your partner’s self-esteem. This is typically caused by the Deadly Habits of criticizing and complaining. Try to avoid these at all costs, but there is more to respecting than just that. Many will tell you that if you follow the Golden Rule, then respect will be the byproduct but I disagree. The Golden Rule says, “Do unto others as you would have done unto you.” This implies that respect looks the same for all people and it clearly does not.

Let’s take, for example, a simple yet common difference between men and women. Typically, when a woman is upset about something, she needs to talk about it over and over again. She is not necessarily looking for a solution, but simply needs to process the issues out loud. If her partner knows how to respect her, he will let her vent while listening for understanding as long as it takes.       

However, generally when a man is upset about something, he needs to retreat somewhere within himself to figure it out. The woman knows talking about it helps her feel better, so she will frequently nag her partner to tell her what is bothering him. If she is going to truly respect her man, then she needs to give him the space he needs, and trust that he will come back when he is ready.

So, in the area of respect, I recommend following the new Platinum Rule: “Do unto others as they would have done unto them.” This will require more listening for understanding to really realize what respect means to the other person.

Can you do it today in your relationship? Let me know how it works out?

Relationship Habit: Encouraging

Encouraging is next. I have been asked, what is the difference between encouraging and nagging? Well, there’s actually a big difference. When you encourage someone, you are encouraging him or her to do something he or she wants to do. When you nag, you are encouraging someone to do what you want him or her to do. Big difference! Encouraging is for times when your partner needs a cheerleader. He or she is considering something that could potentially bring great joy but might just need a little encouragement to carry it through. In order for you to be a helpful encourager, you need to control your own fear about whether things will work out. You may worry if your partner does a particular thing, then it will somehow take him or her further away from you or endanger your happiness in some way. Naturally, this is possible, however, when you can be the encourager in a situation, your partner will more likely than not feel closer to you because of it.

Relationship Habit: Supporting

Supporting is the next caring habit and simply refers to standing by your partner, lending your support whenever needed. I once worked with a couple who had vastly different vocational interests—he was a mechanic and she was a web designer. The husband prioritized providing for his family. In the winter heated his home with a wood stove, for which he chopped and stacked the wood himself. The wife was very much into creativity and was proud of the websites she designed for a wide variety of businesses. She would often call him to the computer to see what she had done and he would respond with a very disinterested, “That’s nice, dear.” He, in turn, would call her to their basement to see the great woodpile he had stacked, and she would be annoyed to have to go downstairs to look at a bunch of wood. Neither were supporting the other. When you are supportive you recognize your partner’s accomplishments and support him or her when things are challenging.

How does your relationship measure up in this area?

Relationship Habit: Trusting

Trusting is the next habit. Many of us come into relationships with baggage from previous ones, possibly making it difficult for us to trust. Many say trust is earned and I believe if you have made a decision to be in a relationship, then you must also make the decision to trust, until you receive information to the contrary. Trust is a true gift in a relationship and it costs nothing. You really aren’t putting your trust in your partner as much as you are trusting yourself to make good decisions. If you’ve exercised poor judgment in the past, instead of using that as an excuse not to trust, begin to think of it as a situation that helped you developed more discriminating instincts. When you learn to trust yourself first, it becomes easier to trust others.

If your partner betrays your trust, then put your trust in your higher power and know that you will survive and actually be stronger for the experience. You have learned a vital piece of information. Now, you will have decisions to make about your relationship. Not all relationships end when trust has been breeched. Some have been able to overcome infidelity and have found their way back to trusting each other. These will be decisions you will need to make if and when your trust is violated but don’t let someone else’s lack of integrity, define you. Your partner is only human and will make mistakes. Infidelity may be one of them. Don’t let that mistake make you feel as if you are somehow less than—as if you’re not good enough or are a fool for trusting. Trusting your partner is the way to a healthy, satisfying relationship.

What do you think about trust as a decision and a choice?

The Caring Relationship Habits

Now that you've learned about the Destructive Relationship Habits, I want to help you replace them with something healthier. Dr. William Glasser in his book, Getting  Together and Staying Together, writes about the Caring Relationship Habits of listening, trusting, supporting, encouraging, respecting, accepting and negotiating differences. These are not as simple as they sound. We will look at a new one each day and I am suggesting that you implement the one you learn about until a need entry is posted. In order to be successful, you will have to continuously be consciously aware of your goal.

Listening is the first one because I think it is a great place to start. You may already think you listen and perhaps you do but the level of listening I am speaking of relates to not just hearing your partner, but truly trying to understand where he or she is coming from. You are listening for understanding. You want to know how it is they see things the way they do. You may not agree with their perception but you want to try to at least understand it from where they come from, in their shoes and in their skin.

How many people do you think actually listen in this way? Are you one? Are you involved with someone who listens for understanding? Let me know how your efforts work out. Until next time. . .

Law of Gratitude

"He is a man of sense who does not grieve for what he has not,
but rejoices in what he has."      --Epictetus

                           

  This is a quote that speaks to the Law of Gratitude. Did you ever notice that there are basically two  types of people in this world---we have the optimists and the pessimists. Some see the glass half full, while the rest see it half empty.

The Law of Gratitude tells us good things keep coming to those who are grateful for what they have. This is not to say we can’t strive for more, to make our lives better but “more” never seems to come to those who believe they are already lacking. When was the last time you surveyed your life and gave thanks for what is already there and available to you? What's one thing you have to be thankful for today?

Free Teleconference: Relationships the Choice Theory Way

The Relationship Center offers a free ongoing teleconference entitled, "Relationships the Choice Theory Way." This teleconference focuses on the specific needs of the participants so you can call in and feel free to discuss whatever is on your mind or you can simply listen to what others talk about. This call is not limited to couple relationships. We will discuss any relationship that is important to you.

This teleconference is lead by Kim Olver and Sylvester Baugh, who are both experienced in Choice Theory and in long-term interpersonal relationships. Come and learn how to get your relationship back on track or discover new ways to make your relationship even better than it already is.

This call is always the second Tuesday of each month at 8:45 PM Eastern Time and last approximately one hour. You can sign up at http://www.therelationshipcenter.biz/FreeTeleclass.htm. Do you have any relationship questions you'd like answered now?