One
of the most difficult struggles in life for a parent is the struggle
that occurs when the parent is attempting to keep their child safe and
the child is attempting to explore the world and find their place in
it, often times not in the safest manner.
I
share this with you because I survived my son's first deployment to
Iraq and have recently learned he will be having a second tour in 2008.
I want to share how I managed to do it the first time and remind myself
what I will need to do again. Maybe it will help you or someone you
know.
Kyle made a decision fairly early on that he wanted to join the
military. This was a surprise to me because I believed that, generally,
young men and women enter the military who have some type of role model
in the military. Since there was no one in my or my husband’s family
who was in the military, I believed my children would not have the
inclination for military service. Kyle began talking about being a
sniper for the Marines at around the age of sixteen. Imagine my terror,
thinking of him in dangerous situations when I had spent all his life
attempting to keep him safe--mostly safe from himself as he has quite
a risk-taking personality.
Being
a good Inside Out mother, I knew better than to try to talk him out of
what he truly wanted, but secretly I’d hoped that by the time he was
old enough to join the military, he would “come to his senses.” Now I’d
like to say here that I totally support our troops. I know there are
brave men and women putting their lives on the line for our safety and
the ideal of freedom around the world, but as most mothers can relate,
that’s OK for other children, just not mine! I’m well aware of the
selfishness of that position, but it is what it is.
Over
time, Kyle and I had some discussions about his future plans. He was
raised in rural Pennsylvania and had been hunting with his father from
the time he was three. He has a natural ability for marksmanship. He is
incredibly courageous and loves a good physical challenge. With all of
these attributes, I know he sounds like a poster boy for military
service. Still, as his mother, I’d hoped he would change his mind.
I
believe he made a concession to me when just prior to his eighteenth
birthday he decided to join the National Guard, as opposed to the
Marines. Part of his reasoning was that he wanted money for college but
another part, in my opinion, was that he was just looking to prove
himself as a man. I breathed a small sigh of relief thinking he
would be safer in the Guard. He would do his weekend a month and two
weeks in the summer and have to respond to any situations in the US
requiring armed service intervention. Was I ever wrong--along came the
war in Iraq. I am not making any statements here about the efficacy of
this war. I do not know if we are there because of weapons of mass
destruction, terrorism or oil fields. I only know that our county’s
young service men and women are being forever changed by their
experiences there and I was afraid for my child.
When Kyle received his orders, he seemed a little apprehensive but
also excited. This was what he’d been trained to do. I was very proud of
the young man that he has become but was terrified of the possible
ramifications. How can he come back from there being the same person I
know now, or worse, what if he is wounded or killed over there?
All
of this was going through my mind but I knew I have
to support him. I didn’t want him leaving, feeling that I was not behind
him 110%. What I truly wanted was for the war to be over, for this to be
some mistake, for his unit to get stateside deployment, anything but
for my child to be sent to Iraq as an infantryman on the front lines of
the fighting. However, using Inside Out thinking, I had to first ask,
what is within my power and control? I could not change the fact
that Kyle was going to Iraq. Even if it were within my power to do so,
he would not have ignored his duty.
So,
the only thing left on which to focus was how I could be the person I wanted
to be in that situation I can’t control or change. What were my
priorities? My first priority was to let Kyle know how very proud of him
I was and that I supported his decisions. After all, it is his life to do
with as he sees fit. I did my part by keeping him safe his first 19 years.
Now, it was his turn to decide how he would live and I wanted to support
the man he had become. Secondly, I didn’t want him to be worrying about
how I was managing while he was away. And finally, I wanted him to know
that I loved him and would pray for his safety every day. These were all
things within my control.
I
find that whenever I am facing a particularly difficult situation, I
attempt to look for the positives in it. In this situation there were
many. Kyle was growing up and fighting for something in which he
believed. He was developing principles that would guide his behaviors the
rest of his life. His being in Iraq may have helped to save the lives of
others. It was truly a test of his relationship with his girlfriend in
determining whether or not they were truly committed to each other. And
when I let myself think of the worst case scenario, which was him being
killed there, I reminded myself that he would have died doing
something he really wanted to do as opposed to living a long,
unfulfilled life full of regret.
Can
I do it again? I know I can but it will require a lot of effort. If you
or someone you love is dealing with a similar situation and you have
ideas of how to help, please let us know.
