Relationship Bridge Building

Empowerment Parenting

Have you ever thought there must be something you can do to make a difference with your kids? Have you ever wished they came with an instruction manual? Do you wish your kids could be more responsible, disciplined, more cooperative, more respectful?

Empowerment parenting is a way of parenting that brings out all those things in your children. It's called Empowerment Parenting because you gain power in your relationship with your children as you get your own needs met while helping your children learn responsible ways to get their own needs met. It's actually like magic!

When you listen for the underlying need and can help your children find responsible ways to meet that need, your relationship with each other will be strengthened and your will have more influence in the future.

If this sounds like something you'd like to learn more about, then why not attend our free teleconference tonight on Empowerment Parenting. You simply have to go to http://www.therelationshipcenter.biz/EmpowerParenting.htm to register. I hope to talk to you on the call. It begins at 8:45 PM Eastern time and will last approximately one hour.

True Happiness Part 3

What I am about to say probably goes against what you have believed the good majority of your life and that is that you, and you alone, are responsible for your own happiness. If you are waiting for someone to do something differently or for a particular thing to manifest itself in your life in order for you to be happy, then you are operating from the outside in instead of the inside out.

I am not here to tell you to stop what you are currently doing. If you want to hold on to your beliefs that when your husband becomes more affectionate, your children more obedient, your wife more supportive, your boss more appreciative or you to get your education, pay off your credit cards, buy your first home, etc. in order for you to be happy, then go ahead. But for those of us who want to practice "Inside Out Thinking," we don’t like to give the power to others to control our happiness or any of our other moods or emotions. We know that we are responsible for ourselves and no one else.

What I can help you with is learning how to be the person you want to be, feel the emotions you want to feel by changing what you do and how you think about things. There is a quote I want to leave you with from Jimmy Dean. “You can’t change the direction of the wind, but you can adjust your sails.” This is representative of true "Inside Out Thinking." People and events are going to be what they are around us. There is very little we can do to impact other people’s behavior and the uncontrollable events in our lives but there is always something each of us can do to manage those things better.

What do you think? Are you responsible for your happiness or do you give that power to someone else?        

True Happiness Part 2

On Saturday, we began a discussion about True Happiness. I'd like to continue talking about how we try to control those around us with the behaviors we choose.

You know the behaviors I’m talking about: punishing, guilting, complaining, nagging, threatening, criticizing, “the silent treatment”, and if we are particularly savvy, rewarding to control, otherwise known as bribing.

If you are one of those people whose first choice of action is to negotiate and open the doors of communication, then you are rare. Ask yourself what do you typically resort to when negotiations fail?

I know one of my more polished behaviors is nagging. I am a world class nag--just ask my children. You know the drill. “How about cleaning up your room today?” Thirty minutes later, after the child is still in front of his video game, “Are you going to get to that room today?” Maybe two hours later, several decibels louder, “What about that ROOM?” Then, as a last frustration, it’s “Will you get off your lazy a*# and clean your blankety blank blank room!!!!” Ever been there? Did it work to get the room cleaned? In my case, it usually didn’t.  However, I’ve have had some parents tell me that repeated nagging does work but then my next question usually has a different answer--At what cost? What was the cost of getting that room cleaned? First, there was the cost of you losing control and being a person you probably don’t want to be and secondly, there was a definite cost to the relationship between you and your child. Do you believe that after an exchange such as that one, the two of you will be ready and willing to have a meaningful discussion about life or anything else about which you may like to talk? Probably not.

Tomorrow, I'd like to keep talking about how to take responsibility for your own happiness and not be contingent upon others.

Letting a Bad Relationship Go

Sometime you may find yourself in a relationship and wonder how things got to the point they are at. Gradually, little by little you may have compromised on things and one day you wake up and realize you aren't getting what you need in the relationship. By then, you may wonder, I've already invested so much in this relationship, how can I let it go now? You may even have convinced yourself that your partner is your soul mate and you can't live without him or her in your life.

I think walking away sometimes takes the most strength. I am not a big advocate of giving up on relationships. I work hard to help couples stay together. However, if you are in a relationship where you are not getting what you need--if the barriers are greater than the benefits over time, then it's time to walk away with your head held high.

You will survive. You will be all right. He or she will also survive it. Make the decision that you allow you to sleep well at night.

True Happiness

   

Most people look outside of themselves as the cause of their unhappiness or frustration.  After all, wouldn’t life be practically perfect if the significant people in our lives would simply do things the way we want them to or do what we think is best for them? Actually, this is the kind of thinking that perpetuates the misery!              I agree that most of today’s unhappiness centers on important people in our lives not cooperating with us. Can anyone relate to that? Have you ever had a child who makes a decision that puts them in serious danger? Have you ever had a significant other decide to relocate or make an employment decision with which you were not in agreement? Did one of your parents ever say something critical to you that rocked your confidence? Ever had a supervisor who micromanaged your work and never gave credit for your good work performance? I think you get the idea. Any one or combination of these things can be a source of unhappiness for us and I’m sure you can add several others to the list.                 While we are in situations such as these, it sure feels like if the others in our life would just cooperate and be the way we want them to be, and then our lives would be so much better, happier and more fulfilling. While this may, in fact, be true, what I also believe is this. While we are busy trying to get those significant others in our lives to do things our way, the behaviors we typically engage in to move others in our desired direction are exactly those behaviors that damage, and ultimately destroy, our relationships. Can you think of any behaviors others have used with you to get your cooperate with them? Were they relationship strengthening or relationship weakening behaviors?

Overcoming Depression

If you or someone you know suffers from the debilitating effects of depression, you need to listen in to this call. You can overcome depression without medication if you learn to conceptualize the problem differently than the pharmaceutical companies want you to. You are in control. You can change things around for the better. You do not need to be dependent on medication. Come hear the truth about this problem and what you can do to stop it, if you want to.

Our free teleconference is scheduled for Tuesday evening, 11/20/07 at 7:45 PM EDT and will last approximately one hour. If you would like to register for this call, then go to http://www.therelationshipcenter.biz/depressionclass.php and register.

Holiday Stress Reduction Part Two

This post continues with some of the things I did that Christmas when I realized I didn't have to do it all.

After talking with my children, I didn’t put up a tree. They really didn’t care if we had one or not. Neither did I. Great stress reducer.

I also gave up the idea that everyone in the home SHOULD contribute to the work involved in the holidays. In demanding assistance from unwilling family members, the only thing I accomplished was to alienate the people I loved the most. The whole holiday hype was not important to them. If it were, they would have more willingly provided the assistance for which I asked.          

In shopping for the nieces and nephews, I discovered the value of gift cards. The kids love them because they can pick out whatever they want and they protect them from getting those unwanted, unappreciated gifts from an aunt or uncle who really doesn’t know them well enough to purchase a gift they would truly appreciate.         

Another suggestion, particularly if you have older children, is to take the money you would normally spend on gifts and find a family who needs it more than you and purchase gifts for another family as part of your new Christmas ritual.         

As for the cookies, I stopped making 27 different varieties and only made chocolate chip cookies--the  family’s favorite. They were always a hit and no one really the liked the others anyway!         

And as for the weight gain, there are two possible solutions. Approach the holidays with reckless abandon. Know that you will gain weight and that you will address it in January. The other option is to take control of your eating. Eat smaller portions and taste, instead of devour, any of the many sweets offered during holiday parties.

These are just some simple things I was able to do greatly reduce my stress around the holidays. What can you think of or what have you already done. There are readers looking for practical, sage advice.

Holiday Stress Reduction

I remember one particular Christmas when I was feeling especially stressed, I told my children I either needed help with holiday preparations or I needed to cut some things out of the holiday routine. They made it clear they didn’t really want to help in reducing the load of things that I put on myself but they were more than willing to forego many holiday traditions. In fact, what they told me is that we didn’t even need a tree. All they cared about was presents and they didn’t even need them to be wrapped!

That was eye opening for me. It became clear that anything beyond gifts was something I was choosing to do and not something that was necessary to the success of the holiday for my children.          

Next, I had to assess what was necessary for me. I decided I wanted to send Christmas cards to stay in touch with friends and family and I wanted to wrap my children’s gifts so I could enjoy the expressions of surprise and pleasure on their faces as they opened their gifts.

That particular Christmas, I discovered the joy of sending out New Year’s cards. That’s right. I stopped pressuring myself to get the cards out before Christmas. After all, the purpose was to keep in touch with people. It turned out to be much better to send my card in January. Mine definitely stood out from the rest!

I didn’t put up a tree. My children really didn’t care if we had one or not. Neither did I. Great stress reducer.

Tomorrow, I'll share some other ideas. What are doing for the holidays that you can let go of or delegate to someone else?

Overcoming Holiday Stress

Are you plagued by holiday stress year after year? Do you feel as if you are a victim in all of this? Do you believe that you are the ONLY one in your household who is contributing to the success of the holiday?

         

Let me share with you some ideas for making the holidays manageable. I used to literally make myself nuts during holiday time. I was married to a man who thought his contribution to the holiday was simply to show up, eat his fill and then watch television in the living room while I cleaned up the kitchen. I also had two sons who couldn’t care less about the trimmings of the holiday season.

         

What I am about to suggest may offend your sensibilities but it does stand a good chance of greatly reducing your holiday stress. When you are finished with this article, you’ll have to decide what is most important to you---having everything just perfect or regaining some of your sanity. When all is said and done, you can always continue to do it just as you’ve always done. I’m only providing some alternative suggestions.

         

What is your typical routine? Of course, for me there was mailing of at least 100 Christmas cards. Often this was the only way I was able to stay in touch with people I cared about.

         

Then there was the gift buying. I married into a family where I instantly inherited 20 nieces and nephews and the family insisted that all children receive a gift from all the aunts and uncles until they reached the age of 25! No matter what I said, they were not going to be swayed from their position. Christmas shopping, for me, was a chore.

         

Then, after the gifts were purchased, there were the many hours of gift-wrapping that was required. And what about putting up the Christmas tree and decorating the rest of the house? Let’s not forget the cleaning that had to be done to make my house presentable for the drop-in holiday visitors. There was also the baking of the many multiple varieties of cookies and the preparation of whatever food I was expected to bring to any myriad of places to which we were invited for holiday party after holiday party. Add to that the stress of the inevitable weight gain over the holidays and it was no wonder I was crabby and irritable.

         

Once I began to practice Inside Out Living, ™ I had to question the sanity of all the rituals in which I engaged myself. The first question I asked was, “How many things am I doing because I believe I have to and how many are for my pleasure and the pleasure of my family?”

What are some of your holiday rituals? Tomorrow we will talk about how to reduce your stress.