Relationship Bridge Building

Free Parenting Advice

Q: My wife and I have a 10 year-old daughter and bedtime is a struggle almost every night. Maria just doesn’t want to go to bed. It is a problem for us because we have to get up early in the morning and like to have some time together alone before going to bed to de-stress. Do you have any suggestions?

                    

A: Think about the ultimate goal. What is it you want for yourselves and for Maria? You already stated that you and your wife want some alone time together in the evening and I’m guessing that you want Maria to get a good night’s sleep so that she is ready to handle whatever her day has in store. You can stop making bedtime such a struggle by suggesting to Maria that she is the one, the only one, who can actually determine when she is tired and needs to go to bed. So you are going to allow her to make that decision on her own. You expect that she will always get up in the morning and do the things that are expected of her during the day---going to school, doing her homework and managing her after school activities. If she has great difficulty getting up in the morning, then you will suggest that perhaps she go to bed earlier the next evening. For your part, explain to Maria that you and your wife need some quiet time in the evening so while you are not telling her when to go to bed, you are asking that she go to her room and settle down with some quiet activity until she gets sleepy and decides to go to sleep. Try this for a while and see how much easier bedtime will be to manage.

If you'd like to learn more commonsense approaches to problem-solving win/win solutions with your children, then check out our Empowerment Parenting Home Study Course. It is filled with useful information and powerful ways to work things out with your children without power struggles or stress.

Book Review: William Glasser

Unhappy Teenagers: A Way for Parents and Teens to Reach Them
          by Dr. William Glasser   
       

         

This is a good book that discusses and provides excellent examples of Choice Theory parenting, as well as Choice Theory teaching. For the sake of this review, I am concentrating on the parenting aspects of the book. A few years ago, my son was dating a girl whose parents were very strict. They didn’t allow her to do much independently with her friends that wasn’t associated with school activities--activities that they usually attended as well. This may sound like a good way to keep their daughter safe and free from the distractions and negative behavior that most parents fear. However, what actually happened is that this girl, who really did want to please her parents for the most part, started to rebel. She wasn’t allowed to do many of the things her friends did so she began to lie to her parents to get to do “normal” things. When her friends were having a party that her parents wouldn’t approve of, this girl, call her Sarah, would tell her parents that she was staying at Susie’s house and Susie would tell her parents that she was staying at Sarah’s house and the two girls would be out all night unsupervised and no one knew where they were or what they were doing. This is an incredibly dangerous situation.

         

I was concerned about Sarah. One day, she saw Unhappy Teenagers: A Way for Parents and Teens to Reach Them on the back seat of my car and asked to borrow it. I let her take it and she loved the book and wanted her mother to read it. She showed her mother the book and her mother was so hurt that she threw the book outside in the yard. She also proclaimed that Dr. Glasser probably never had any children of his own. Well, I wish I could say that this story had a happy ending. The girl’s parents continued to be very strict and the girl continued to lie and do many things she wouldn’t have normally done had she just had some permission to explore the world. All parties survived the girls’ adolescence but it could have been so much easier. 

         

Just so you know, Dr. Glasser did raise children of his own and he has a very empowering method for both parents and children that is outlined in this book. Everyone wins. He is not suggesting that parents throw up their hands in dismay and just let their children do whatever they want to do. He is proposing that there is a way for parents to be empowered and to empower their teens at the same time. Read the book, you won’t be sorry.
         

      

Click here to order this book 

Parenting: Giving Permission

When your child asks you to do something he or she has not done before and you are not completely comfortable with it, tell your child “yes” with a specific stipulation. The stipulation is that you need to be reasonably assured that he or she will be safe. Tell your child that as the parent, it is your job to keep your children safe. Children don’t like that but it's difficult to argue against.

         

Take time to think of your objections and concerns. As you discuss them one by one with your child, have your child explain to you how he or she would handle the concerns and situations you raise. Until your child can convince you he or she has the knowledge and skills necessary to protect him or herself, then you need to withhold your permission.

         

You do not have to believe, beyond a reasonable doubt, that your child will actually use the skills he or she professes. It should be enough to know that they possess them. If and/or when your child enters a situation and doesn’t behave in the way your child told you he or she would, then you restrict your child’s freedom until he or she develops the requisite skills necessary to manage that freedom and then you restore the freedom. It’s a dance of trust. The positive thing is that you get to discuss your concerns and formulate plans with your child for managing the scary situations of adolescence.

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Parenting Quote

"You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist."

         

                             --Friedrich Nietzsche 

         

This quote talks about how everyone can have their own way of doing things. No one way is the “correct” way. Just because someone does something differently than you would, doesn’t make him or her wrong! Their way is simply different. It is the same with your children. I know you want your children to learn from your mistakes. You want to save them from pain.

You want them to do what you say because you are older, more experienced and hopefully wiser. However, the world does not work that way. You probably didn’t learn the stove was hot from someone telling you it was hot. You most likely had to feel for yourself.          

The same is true for your children. When you can give your children the gift of doing things their own way without criticism, it is an incredibly powerful thing.

Check out our parenting website at www.empowermentparenting.com.

Parenting: Roots & Wings--My Story

I remember when my oldest son was sixteen and working as a waiter in a local diner. He became involved in a confrontation with a customer over a racial remark the customer made. When hearing the story, I was extremely proud that my son stood up for equality and fairness but was actually mortified by his immature, locker room behavior that he displayed! No, I will not print exactly what he did but suffice it to say that it was not a proud maternal moment.

My son and I had several conversations about this incident over the next few days and I was unable to get him to understand what he had done was inappropriate. Finally, he said to me, “Mom, I know you want me to say that I was wrong but I’m not ashamed of what I did. In fact, I would do exactly the same thing if the situation presents itself again.” Wow, I guess he told me!

I had to practice what I preach. His value system was not matching up with mine. It was very clear to me that he was “wrong”, however, in his world at that time, he did the “right” thing for him. When you give your child wings, you need to allow them to do things their own way even if you are sure a better way exists. You can offer your better way in the form of a suggestion, but then get out of the way and allow your child to make the decision and to manage the consequences that occur because of that decision.

This process helps our children become better decision makers. We talk with our children about all the choices that exist, and then examine the pros and cons of each choice. After that, we must step back and allow our children to make the decision that’s right for them. Then, we can talk to them about how things worked out but never protect them from the consequences of their decisions. This is where the learning takes place.

You are there to support them and help them manage the consequences but don’t intervene on their behalf and also don’t assume that “I told you so” attitude. That does not teach your child anything but not to come to you to talk things over anymore.

Check out our home study course, "Empowerment Parenting"  if you want to learn more.

Parenting: Roots & Wings Part II

What do you do when your child's values differ from your own? First of all, as we raise our children, we are helping to strengthen their roots. This is the first gift a parent gives their child. How does one strengthen roots? We tend, we nurture, we feed, we cultivate---all to develop strong roots.

Sharing our value system with our children is critical to this process. In sharing values, remember that people pay more attention to what they see, as opposed to what they hear. Therefore, if you are a parent who tells your children it is wrong to smoke while you are toking on your cigarette, know that their interpretation of smoking will likely be different from what you are verbally espousing.

A developmental task of adolescence is separation and individuation. This is the time when children are attempting to separate themselves from their parents to an extent. It can be a very frightening time for parents. What do we do? This is the time for the second parental gift---wings.

We want to give our children gradual “flying” lessons. Children are not ready to go from the total and complete shelter of their parents’ protection to being absolutely out on their own. This must be a gradual process. We limit freedom only for as long as it takes our children to learn the responsible behaviors they need to manage that freedom.
We want our children learning the precarious process of making decisions while they are still under our semi-protection.

During the teen years is the perfect time to allow our teens to begin the process of deciding what their own set of values will be. If you have done a good job with the roots and you handle the next part with a minimum of confrontation, then the value process will go relatively smoothly.

Remember, your teen is doing nothing different than you did. The only difference is that you were wrestling with your parents’ values and your teen is wrestling with YOUR values. It has a very different feel to it, but it is the same nonetheless. You may say that your value system works just fine for you and your teen needs to see things the same way you do. However, the reality is that you cannot know what is best for another person, including your children. You are not them. You do not occupy their skin. Only they can truly decide what is best for themselves and then they will have to live with the consequences of their decisions.

Next time, I'll share a story with you about how my oldest son taught me this lesson.

Parenting: Roots & Wings

I’m sure many of you have heard that old Hallmark card adage that goes something like this: Parents give their children two great gifts--one is roots, the other is wings.

As parents, we pray for our children’s safety, health and happiness. We do everything we know to help make these things happen for them.

At some point in our lives, we developed the principles and values that guide our life decisions. Our parents and/or caregivers certainly had influence over this but not complete determination. Some of us gladly adopted the values of our parents and continue to live by them today. Some of us so completely rejected our parents' values that our decisions are determined by doing the exact opposite of what we believe our parents would do.

Most of us, however, are somewhere in the middle---we have accepted some of our parents' values and rejected others. This is a normal process of development. As parents, though, we really fight that period in our children’s lives when they are attempting to differentiate themselves from us.

Maybe it is because we fear for their safety in their decision-making. Maybe we can see that they are engaging in unhealthy behavior or heading down a life path that will ultimately lead to unhappiness. Whatever the reason, we get scared if our children’s values differ too much from our own.

What can we, as parents, do? Let's talk about that next time.

Free Depression Teleconference

Overcoming Depression
          April 28, 2008
            8:45 - 9:45 p.m. EST

      

Do you suffer from symptoms of depression? Do parts of your life seem out of control and unmanageable? Would you like to develop the strength to overcome these feeling without medication? This call will help. The most effective way to successfully change feelings you don't want to be experiencing is by taking control of what you can control. In this dynamic, empowering call you will learn steps you can take to begin to have more happiness in your life again, regardless of what is happening around you.

Giving up External Control in Relationships

Q: I attended a one-day workshop you did about a year ago in Choice Theory and I am really trying to apply what I learned in my relationship with my husband. I find I do really well for a few days and then I fall back into my old external control  patterns. What can I do?

A: I don't know about you, but I know that for me, it is unrealistic to expect that a one-day workshop will totally undo 30-50 years of external control behavior. Research shows us that it takes 30-90 days to form a new habit. This is difficult to apply to using choice theory because there is no consistent application of it. For example, if someone is attempting to exercise daily, then exercise is done everyday. One cannot predict when one will be able to practice choice theory.   

I remember when I first learned Choice Theory in 1987, my children were three and five years-old. I committed to using CT with them and in my relationship with my husband. I wasn't always successful. Old habits are difficult to change. What I did do, though, was to continue to study CT. I became certified and then I continued on the instructor track. This continuous study is the thing that became instrumental in helping me internalize these concepts. It helped being around others who were as committed to the ideas as I was.   

This is actually one of the reasons that I offer coaching services. I wanted to offer people a way to stay connected to the learning and the consistent implementation of the ideas in their lives. A coach will help by providing alternatives to external control behavior. If you are serious about making a major change in your life, then hire a coach to help ensure your success, much in the same way you would hire a personal trainer when you embark on a new exercise routine.   Good luck, don't give up and keep up the good work.

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Free Relationship Advice

Disagreements in relationships are inevitable. I have yet to meet a couple who always wanted the same things at the same time in the same way. Being two separate people means that at times, you will want different things, thus creating disagreements. How you manage these disagreements is key.   

There are some gender differences that come into play here. When a women is upset, she tends to keep quiet, believing that if her partner truly loves her, then he will KNOW what is wrong. When men get upset, they tend to withdraw within themselves while they are working out a possible solution. Women are generally ready to talk about problems much sooner than men and will attempt to work things out while their male companion is still working things out in his head. This can cause even further disruption in the relationship.   

One of the things I recommend first is that women need to express their needs and desires to their mate with as few words as possible. Women tend to go on and on about why they feel the way they do when that only tends to confuse the issue for the men.   

Secondly, women need to give men the space they need to retreat into themselves. Trust that they will return when they have a solution. Men need this space. Women who try to engage men prior to them being ready will not like the conversation they get.   

Thirdly, I want to see men honoring their women by listening to them and trying to understand their point of view without feeling the need to defend themselves. When a woman is upset, she typically speaks in absolutes such as, "You are NEVER home. You NEVER listen to me. You NEVER help out around here." She doesn't really mean "never" but she is venting and  needs you to understand the underlying meaning of what she says.   

Finally, I strongly recommend never going to bed angry at your partner. When we sleep on our anger and resentments, they tend to grow, making it even more difficult to start the healing process the next day.   There is a lot more to working out disagreements in relationships but this is a start.

Check out our home study course, "Relationships from the Inside Out" to learn more.