Question: Now that I have been learning CT/RT and have bought into the theory, I find myself being very judgmental of others who use external control. I find it difficult because I always feel the need to interject my thoughts onto others who are using external control. Do you find this difficult? How do you deal with other using external control?
Answer:Yes, it is difficult not to be judgmental of those using external control. I find the best way for me is to remind myself that not everyone thinks like I do and they certainly have a right to do it their way. I just remind myself to stay true to my course and at every opportunity, I try to ask questions of the external control people about how what they do is working for them. I am also prepared to take it further if they say it works, great! For example, do you think that person will now do what you are asking when you aren’t around? What do you think he is thinking? What do you think he will do when you are out of sight? Do you think you are strengthening or weakening your relationship? Do you think relationships are important? Do you find him responding to anyone else better than he responds to you? What do you think the difference is?
Remember, we know learning is best done inside out. You need to function as a self-evaluation facilitator instead of giving your unsolicited opinion. Eventually, many of those you are attempting to influence will “get it.” The other thing you need to remember is your relationship with them. You will lose your ability to influence them without a positive relationship. You can’t get them to give up their external control if you are attempting to externally control them. Remember, they are doing the best they know how at this point in time to get something they want. They need to be invited to try an potentially better way.