On March 4th, we began this conversation about Choice Theory. We talked about basic human needs, the quality world and the perceived world. This is what we do with those worlds:
The Comparing Place
The
comparing place is where we weigh what we want from our quality world
against our perceptions of what we believe we are actually getting.
When these two things are a match, all is well.
However,
when our perceptions and quality world don’t line up, in other words we
perceive we are not in possession of the things we want, then we are
driven to action to get those things we are thinking about. People
generally don’t make a lot of progress or change the things they are
currently doing unless they are in some degree of discomfort—the
greater the pain the more motivation to try something different.
This is where conventional wisdom tells us that if we want what’s best
for other people in our lives, then it is our responsibility to raise
their pain level to get them to do things differently because we
generally know what’s best for them. Right?
Wrong. We can only know what’s best for ourselves. Remember, our
perceived worlds are all different. We have unique values and
experiences. How can we possibly know what’s best for someone else when
we haven’t been in their skin or lived their life? We can only know
what’s best for ourselves.
Total Behavior
There
are two main things about behavior. One is that all behavior is
purposeful and two is that all behavior is total. Let’s begin with the
idea that all behavior is total. There are four inseparable components
of behavior—action, thinking, feeling and physiology. These all exist
simultaneously during any given behavior in which we engage. The first
two components—acting and thinking—are the only components over which
we can have direct control. This means that if we want to change how we
are feeling or something that is happening in our bodies (physiology),
then we must first consciously change what we are doing or how we are
thinking.
As for all behavior being purposeful, all
behavior is our best attempt to get something we want. We are never
acting in response to some external stimulus. We are always acting
proactively to get something we want. This means that when I would yell
at my son to clean his room after asking him nicely several times, I
wasn’t yelling because my son “made me mad.” I was yelling because I
was still using my best attempt to get him to do what I wanted, which
was to clean his room. This seems like I’m splitting hairs but it’s an
important distinction to make when you are attempting to move from a
victim’s role to that of an empowered person.
The Implications
Choice
Theory pretty much rids us of the idea that people are “misbehaving.”
All anyone is doing is their best attempt to get something they want.
Of course in the process, they may break laws, disregard rules and hurt
others but those are really side effects of doing the best they know
how to get their needs met. We are all doing our best—some of us simply
have better tools, resources and behaviors at our disposal than others.
If we embrace Choice Theory’s concepts, then our function should be
more to educate and help others self-evaluate the effectiveness of
their own behavior. Know that often they will continue to do things
exactly as they have because it’s familiar and/or because what they are
doing really is getting them something they want. It is not our job to
stop them, nor is it our job to rescue them from the consequences of
their own behavior.
We can only make our best attempt to help others evaluate the
effectiveness of their behavior and to choose a different way that
perhaps is not against the rules or doesn’t hurt the person or someone
else. Then, we need to get out of the way and let the situation play
out. This may seem hard to do—like you aren’t doing your job as a
parent, teacher, counselor, or supervisor, however, I ask, what is the
alternative?
When you attempt to force or coerce or bribe another person to do
things he or she doesn’t want to do, you may be successful. You may be
able to find the right reward or create a painful enough consequence to
get another person to do what you want but in so doing you are breeding
resentment and contempt. Your relationship will suffer. If you believe,
as I do, that relationship is the root of all influence, then you are
losing your ability to influence another by using external control.
If you have enjoyed this article and want to learn more about it, you
should check out my Choice Theory Special Report. This report will
expand on the information provided in this condensed article version.
To purchase this report click here.
