Inside Out Empowerment

The Alone Stage: A Time for Introspection

If you are interested in creating the relationship you deserve, then you must become the best person you can be. Each successive relationship you engage in provides you with lessons and information upon which to reflect. If you are attracting the “wrong” people into your life, then perhaps it is because you are not the person you need to be in order to create a relationship with the person of your dreams.

The time between relationships is a time to look back on the past relationship to discover what that person was there to teach you about life, love and yourself. It’s a time of introspection to determine who you want to be in a relationship. I’m not talking about playing roles but I am talking about a genuine transformation of yourself into the person who deserves the relationship you seek.

If you are seeking a person to be loyal and to stand by you no matter what, then ask yourself the difficult question of whether or not you have those same traits and characteristics you seek? If there is something in your character that has caused you to be disloyal, then do some introspection to learn what you need to heal in order to become the person you truly want to be.

Relationships act as a mirror, showing us those things about ourselves we don’t want to see. When we welcome the information and seek to learn from it, doing so will move us closer in the direction of becoming who we want to be. What do you see in the mirror?

Excerpt from Kim's forthcoming book Secrets of Successful Couples due for release in July 2010

Quote: Weight Loss

If you are serious about losing weight, remember the wisdom of Jack Canfield: "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels."

Check out Inside Out Central's thorough, time-tested weight loss products. Don't go it alone. Get the support, challenge and accountability you need.

 

Weight Loss Q & A

Q: How does a person stay motivated to continue on a weight loss path after working the program for a few months?

A: This is an excellent question. Commonsense tells us that working the program and losing the weight should be motivational enough. If you are actually seeing results and usually the results are significant in the early stages of a weight loss program, that should be enough to motivate you to continue. Then, you will have people who will tell you that you have to reward yourself when you achieve small successes. I am a proponent of rewarding oneself, although I caution that it should be something unrelated to the behavior you are attempting to change. For example, you wouldn't reward yourself with a hot fudge sundae after losing ten pounds!

However, I say the biggest reason people lose motivation is that they have subconscious programming in their minds that tells them they weigh a certain amount. This programming works like the thermostat you have in your home. You have your thermostat set to a certain temperature. While there may be slight variations in temperature, whenever it falls below or above what the set point is, the heating/air conditioning system kicks in to regulate the temperature. This is the same way your subconscious programming works. You may be able to lose or gain a certain amount of weight but once you move beyond the allowed variance determined by your programming, then your brain kicks in to bring your weight back in line with its set point.

The best way to work on combating this issue is through neural reconditioning. The three components include--meditation, affirmations and visualizations. These routines are critical if you are attempting to make changes that may be regulated by subconscious programming we have in our psyches.

Please let us know what has worked for you to maintain your motivation for weight loss over time.

Inside Out Central's "Weight Loss from the Inside Out" home study course provides you with email support with a professional counselor to help you maintain your motivation. Check it out now!

Book Review: When Food is Love

When Food Is Love: Exploring the Relationship Between Eating and Intimacy
by Geneen Roth

This is an excellent book for people who believe their eating issues may spring from trauma they experienced during their childhood. Ms. Roth discloses some of her own personal struggles from her childhood with an abusive mother and her subsequent trouble with intimacy. Her focus on needing to relive childhood traumas in order to move beyond them is contrary to my thinking but I do believe it is helpful to understand what is motivating a person's behavior so that when he or she attempts to do battle with that behavior and make changes, his or her plans will be in line with effectively replacing the important things that the person will be giving up by making the changes. Ms. Roth discusses how people often substitute food for love in their lives. She talks about how hard it is to enjoy the good things without trying to sabotage them.

The book is a very good read, in fact, it reads more like a novel than a self-help book. For those who can relate to early childhood abuse, this book will resonate with you. For those of you who don't have that in your background, you may receive value anyway from experiencing Ms. Roth's honest and poignant account of her life, struggles and ability to overcome and help others do the same. This book will help you learn other ways to comfort yourself that don't include food.

Click here to order this book.

Weight Loss Tip

I believe that anytime we make an attempt to change our current habitual behavior, we must scrutinize that behavior and all the benefit we get out of doing things the way we have been doing them. This means looking at our five basic needs and figuring out which one(s) is/are the one(s) currently being satisfied. If you are a binge eater, you may be meeting your need for freedom. If you often eat out socially, your issue may be more about your love & belonging need. Some people eat to gain control over their emotions. When they are angry, they can chew their way through a bag of potato chips instead of lashing out at someone important to them. This may meet their need for power. Sometimes, we eat simply because it's fun and tastes fabulous. And finally, sometimes we eat for comfort which would be meeting our need for survival.

No matter which need(s) are currently being met, whenever you engage your weight loss plan to change your present behavior, you will be frustrating that need by making any changes. What I know for sure is that your desire to meet that need will not go away--in fact, it will most likely grow stronger because you are denying yourself its satisfaction. So, in order to increase the odds that you will be successful at losing weight, you must build alternative ways to get your important needs met into your plan. For example, if freedom is your need, then what can you do instead that helps you feel free but won't interfere with your weight loss goals? Maybe you can ride a bike, buy something new or take a bubble bath. Consider alternative behaviors for each of the needs that are currently satisfied by the behavior you are attempting to change.

Let me know if you have any questions about how to do this. Also be sure to post any successes you've had using these substitutions.

Our "Weight Loss from the Inside Out" home study course contains more information about this in detail and provides you worksheets to fully benefit from the lessons you will get each week.

Quote: Zig Ziglar

"The chief cause of failure and unhappiness is trading what you want most for what you want now."

--Zig Ziglar

Never is this quote more true than for people who are struggling to lose weight. We often trade that dessert, piece of chocolate or bag of potato chips for our long term goal of losing weight and becoming more physically fit. We must learn to put off momentary, fleeting satisfaction for the greater satisfaction of disciplining ourselves to accomplish the goals that will truly make a difference in our lives.

Take a look at our Weight Loss from the Inside Out report. It covers the basics of what is in the home study course.

Developing Your Weight Loss Plan

There are several things to take into account when creating a weight loss plan. You must consider your most important needs and be sure to build in a way to meet those needs while still losing weight. If your biggest need is love & belonging, then you may want a partner to work with you. If survival is your biggest need, then you will need to build in a way for you to feel safe.

If power is your highest need, then what you want to think about is perhaps making your weight loss a competition somehow. If your highest need is freedom, then you must begin to think about things, people, activities or places that allow you to feel free that won't impede your weight loss progress and add them to your weight loss plan. If your highest need is fun, then you must find a way to make your weight loss fun for you.

The next step is to develop positive affirmations that support your weight loss goals. You must begin to reprogram the negative thoughts that are standing in the way of you accomplishing your goals. Oftentimes, these goals are even out of your conscious awareness but they prevent your success nonetheless.

 

Affirmations are positive, present, time-sensitive statements affirming what you want to be true. Research shows that our brains do not know the difference between the truth and a lie. When you affirm a particular thought, value or belief in your mind frequently enough over a long enough period of time, your brain will begin to believe it. Consequently, the brain will mobilize its strong forces to do whatever it takes to manifest the thing you are claiming to be true in your life.

Write out as many affirmations as you want to support your goals. You may write affirmations about food, exercise, thoughts and anything else that will help you move in the direction of accomplishing your goals. There is no limit to how long your list of affirmations can be. You decide how much time you want to spend with them each day. You should be spending at least five minutes saying your affirmations twice daily--once upon first waking up and then at the end of the day just before going to sleep.

It is helpful to look yourself in the eyes while saying your affirmations. You can do this, of course, with the use of a mirror. Look yourself in the eyes, as though daring the person in the mirror to dispute the truth of what you are saying. Repeat your affirmations with passion and conviction twice daily. If you can fit them in a third time around lunch, even better.  

Next, you want to spend some time analyzing your food triggers--those things that prompt you to eat the wrong foods and to eat when you are not hungry.  

Many people have substituted food to meet their needs in an unhealthy way. We eat when we are depressed. We eat when we are excited. We eat when we are stressed. We eat when we are bored. We eat when we are angry. We eat when we are scared. Different people, for a variety of reasons, use emotions as triggers to eat. And it's not as if we are diving into the refrigerator to pull out an apple or some carrots! No! We are reaching for the chocolate, ice cream or the potato chips. And no, these do not comprise the 5th food group!

Emotions are only one thing we use for a food trigger. Sometimes we eat to be social. Sometimes we eat because the food is free. Sometimes we eat because we are experiencing a particular craving. Sometimes we eat for comfort. Sometimes we eat because the clock tells us it's time to do so.  

Other times, we will eat when we are not hungry because we paid for the meal. We were told we must clean our plate and not waste food. We tell ourselves we don't like leftovers so we better eat it up or maybe there isn't enough to save and we don't want to throw good food away. 

In order to be successful with your new weight loss agenda, you must begin to think of food differently. No longer is food your best friend or the thing you reach for to comfort you. Food is simply fuel for your body. The only time to eat is when your body signals you that it is hungry and then you must be conscious of the food for which you reach. 

Get conscious about the things you are doing as they pertain to weight loss. Paying attention and noting the events and circumstances that trigger your eating will provide you with a lot of information about what to do to fix things. 

After analyzing your food triggers, it is appropriate to again ask the question, "What would you have to give up to accomplish the weight loss goals you've set"? You may have uncovered new information to consider. 

If you've come this far, it's time to construct your plan.

1. First of all, this plan must be written. You are going to write yourself a contract! The first two items are your plan will include daily visualization of your new life and the recitation of your affirmations.

2. Include ways to get your primary needs met that won't sabotage your weight loss efforts. Include elements of past successes that will add to your likelihood of success. Include efforts to do something different when you experience your strong food triggers. Be proactive about what you will do instead. Don't simply write, "I will not eat when I am depressed." Write what you will do instead.   

3. If in analyzing conflicting wants, you decided to compromise, attempting to have some of each of the things you want, then you will have to address the limits and boundaries you intend to place on both items.
4. When you are satisfied with the potential success of your plan, sign and date it. There is also a line allocated for a witness in case you want to have that accountability piece. One word of caution, however--make sure the person you choose is someone you can trust to support you in your weight loss goals. If the person you choose is not happy with his or her weight, he or she may consciously or subconsciously sabotage your progress. You sure don't need that! Pick an accountability partner whom you can trust. You also are not required to have a witness if you don't believe it will be helpful. It's your call.

If you are serious about meeting your weight loss goals and keeping that weight off forever, then check out our Weight Loss From the Inside Out Home Study Course.

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Book Review: The Kaizen Way

The Kaizen Way: One Small Step Can Change Your Life
by Robert Maurer, Ph.D.

This book is applicable to many topics but I chose to review it now because I believe it can aptly be applied to starting over. The Kaizen Way is about accomplishing our goals one small step at a time. Kaizen is a Japanese word, whose essence is captured in the phrase, "A journey of a thousand miles must begin with the first step."---Lao Tzu. It simply means taking small, manageable steps toward your goal.

Dr. Maurer speaks about how kaizen and innovation are the two major strategies people use to create change. "Where innovation demands shocking and radical reform, all kaizen asks is that you take small, comfortable steps toward improvement."  Some people are more prone by their nature to act with the broad strokes of innovation but in my experience, sometimes when I stop something "cold turkey" or I vow to begin something religiously, I will do so for a short while and then, gradually drift back toward my old habits.

Dr. Maurer suggests kaizen when those habits we are attempting to change are extremely stubborn and/or when you have a degree of fear about making the necessary change. Taking small, baby steps is the way we "tiptoe past our fear," Dr. Maurer asserts.

This is what I believe makes kaizen the perfect approach for starting over. Our old habit of spending time with our loved one, thinking about him or her, loving him or her is a habit that is extremely stubborn to change. It's hard to just quit a person "cold turkey," especially when it wasn't our idea in the first place. And often there is a great degree of fear about starting over--fear of loneliness, fear of pity from others, fear of harsh judgments from others, fear of rejection from someone new, fear of never finding anyone, fear of intimacy with a new partner, fear of letting go of the original relationship, fear of realizing our "love" wasn't what we imagined it to be, fear of being hurt again and a host of other possible fears.

The best way to begin is just to begin. Ask yourself some kaizen questions. What's one small thing you can do to smile today? What's something you can do for five minutes every day where you will think of something other than your lost loved one? What's one small thing you can do to feel better about yourself today? If you weren't afraid of failing, what would you be doing? If you knew for a certainty that you would be meeting your "perfect" mate next month, what would you be doing differently today? What's one thing you like about being single again? If you were guaranteed not to fail, what's one small thing you would be doing differently? What's one small step you could take toward moving on with my life? What is one small thing that's special about you?

Another suggestion by Dr. Maurer is to create a mind sculpture. Mind sculpting is a lot like visualization but with an added strong emotional component. So, you would be imagining and visualizing a happy, fulfilled life either by yourself or with a new partner. Make sure when you are watching your "mental movie" that you are also experiencing each of your senses along with a strong, positive emotional component. Fill in the answer to what are you seeing? What do you taste, smell and hear? What do you touch or feel on your skin? And how are you feeling emotionally?

It may seem that small steps would only yield miniscule results, however, as Dr. Maurer explains one small step will lead to another and then to another until your fear response has been bypassed and then rapid change can occur. One day, you will look around and realize you have accomplished your goal and didn't even realize it. There are other techniques in this book: solve small problems, bestow small rewards and identify small moments. I recommend it as a book that can give you ideas for accomplishing goals that have been alluding you.

Click here to order this book.

Letting Go of Past Relationships

Before anyone can even begin to think about starting over, he or she must first let go of their previous relationship(s). So many times, people attempt to start over while still clinging to the hope that their prior partner will come to his or her senses and want to resume the relationship. As long as a person is harboring those kinds of feelings, it is incredibly difficult to start over.

If you truly want to start over, then in your heart and in your mind, you must let go of your past love. This can be done with great generosity of spirit and does not have to involve ill feelings of any kind. A person must realize that the relationship is over. Their previous partner has opted out of the relationship. The likelihood that they will be back is slim. Decide to cherish the time you did have together, learn whatever lesson it was you were supposed to learn and say a permanent goodbye to the couple part of your relationship. Grieve the loss if you must but let go of your prior relationship so that you give yourself a reasonable chance of successfully starting over.

Check out our Prepare to Love Again Home Study Course. Whether you have been widowed, are divorced or or just ending a relationship, this course can help you become ready to love again.

Quote: Acceptance and Letting Go

"There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go."

  ~Author Unknown

This quote is pretty self-explanatory and really speaks to the issues of grief and loss. I keep coming back to the thought that we always have three choices---leave it, change it or accept it.

Since your partner has already chosen to leave, the option of you leaving is not available in its truest sense. But you can decide to stop thinking about the relationship so you can mentally leave. Some have actually chosen a more permanent solution and have made attempts to kill themselves. I don't recommend this option because it is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I know the pain we experience when a loved one leaves us does subside with healing.

We can attempt to change it. This is when we engage in behavior to try to get our loved one back. I know the temptation is strong to choose this option and I even believe it doesn't hurt to make an attempt to see if your partner is really serious about his or her choice. However, when you cross the line to begging, crying, stalking and otherwise coercing your former partner into coming back, you are setting both of you up for continued misery.

If you are truly ready to try the last option of accepting it so you can heal and start over,  look at our home study course entitled, Prepare to Love Again.

Please share your own stories of acceptance and letting go below.