Inside Out Empowerment

Trust

In my work, I am often asked the question about if it’s possible to make a relationship work after an affair and if so, how. Every relationship expert I interviewed agreed that relationships can definitely survive and even get stronger after an affair.

Couples have been able to move past an affair or even multiple affairs when the benefits from their relationship outweigh the difficulty they experience from accepting the affairs. Whether or not you believe you would ever be in this situation yourself, it has worked for many couples.

There may be any number of reasons to stay in a relationship where infidelity is occurring. Both partners might still admit they are happy and satisfied with their relationship because they are getting what they want and need from the relationship.

Many who ask me the question, how can a relationship survive an affair are really asking how can I regain the trust I once had? Trust is actually a verb. It’s not something your partner earns or loses. It’s a decision you make that can be seen in your thoughts and behavior. Trusting really comes down to which is most important to you—trust or self-protection?

If you are more concerned with keeping yourself safe, you probably won’t trust because you are afraid of being hurt. However, can you really protect yourself from pain? Won’t you still be hurt to learn of a loved one’s deception? Without trust, you will never achieve that level of intimacy a trusting relationship provides. What will you really lose by trusting?

The most important thing, though, is to not lose respect in yourself. You are a worthy person. Spend some time engaging in some self-nurturing behavior. Learn to love yourself again. Your self-esteem cannot be based on the whims and fantasies of another person.

Trusting has so much more to do with who you are as a person than it does with who your partner is. When you are secure in yourself and know you are worthy to receive love, then it is natural to trust, even if that trust has been violated.

If you want more trust in your life, you have to be more trusting and more worthy of trust. You can’t get from others what you don’t possess yourself.  Change begins with you.

When you  look inside out, you ask yourself, “Am I a trustworthy person? ”

Excerpt from Kim's forthcoming book,  Secrets of Successful Couples due for release in July 2010. Sign up for Kim's newsletter and receive a free chapter of the book!

Hi

I'm sorry to bother you once more but I've had a meeting with my copy writer regarding my book title: Secrets of Successful Couples: Loving You, Loving Your Partner, Loving Your Life and he thinks we can do better.

He came up with four other options that you can see at Help Me Pick My New Title, along with our original title. I am asking you to vote one more time for your absolute favorite, the one you would be most likely to pick from a book store shelf.

I sure understand if you don't want to participate. Many of you already helped me once. This is it! Whatever you decide will be the answer. The book will be available in July. I hope you'll help me find the perfect title.

And The Winner Is...........

Hi

The winner of the survey for the subtitle for my new book, Secrets of Successful Couples, with more than 50% of the vote is.....Loving You, Loving Your Partner, Loving Your Life.

Coming in second and third: Create, Maintain and Enhance the Relationship of Your Dreams and Finding Respect, Love and Understanding.

I want to thank all of you who participated in the survey.

If you haven't done so already go to http://www.insideoutempowerment.com/signup.html to receive a free chapter of my book.

Thanks again!

Whose Problem is This, Anyway?

In relationships, it is not uncommon for couples to have difficulties. Oftentimes, people poorly define a problem in their lives and either accept a problem as their own when it isn’t or they take a problem that is theirs and demand someone else fix it.

The majority of human relationship suffering comes from individuals having a problem with someone else and they create their own misery by attempting to force someone else to “fix” their problem. Failure to take responsibility for the solution to our own problems results in misery and frustration. Proper problem definition is critical to the success of developing quality relationships.

However, what commonly happens is that if I am upset by something you do, then I am certain YOU are the problem and I am going to do everything with in my power to ensure you understand just how much of a problem you are. I am taking my problem and trying my hardest to make it your problem.

If you are on the receiving end of my frustration, you have three common responses. You can ignore my attempts at making you responsible for my issue, you can accept it’s your problem and attempt to fix it, or you can fight back and resist my attempts to make you the guilty party.

The only two ways it’s possible to have a winning outcome is either for the person with the problem to ask for a change in the other person and that person agrees and implements the change because he or she understands and agrees with the request.  Or the person who is most upset comes to accept the problem belongs to him or her. Instead of trying to get your partner to fix your problem, accept responsibility for its solution.

If you truly love this person, then accept him or her as he or she is. Stop trying to change your partner. Fix the things that annoy you gratefully. Be happy that you have this wonderful person in your life.

So... Whose problem is it?

Excerpt from Kim's forthcoming book,  Secrets of Successful Couples due for release in July 2010. Sign up for Kim's newsletter and receive a free chapter of the book!

Pick Your Favorite Subtitle

Hi

It is almost done! My new book Secrets of Successful Couples is just about finished and will be released in July 2010. I am very excited and can't wait to share the knowledge I acquired about creating a successful relationship with your partner.

In this book, I surveyed 100 couples who have been together at least 10 years and are both happy and satisfied with their relationship. It wasn't surprising to learn how they employ Dr. Glasser's Caring Habits in their relationship and have discovered the secret of appreciating their partner instead of trying to change him or her.

I am, however, a little stuck.. I have come up with 12 subtitles for my book and I can't choose! Can you help me? All I need is for you to pick your three favorite subtitles from an anonymous survey.

Please go to Secrets of Successful Couples: Subtitles for Book and check your three favorites. Your input would be greatly appreciated.

Sign up for Kim's newsletter and receive a free chapter of the book!

Jealousy

There are basically four roots of jealousy: insecurity, past experiences, viewing your partner as a possession and a strong belief that things should never change.

Insecurity:
When you are unsure who you are or you don’t like yourself, jealousy is a natural response. You don’t believe you deserve your current relationship. You have a belief you are fundamentally flawed somehow so how could anyone want only you? Your insecurity will cause you to imagine your partner is unfaithful whether true or not and you will not have a healthy, satisfied, happy relationship.

Past Experiences:
Almost everyone has had the experience of someone they cared for lying to them or cheating on them. When this happens a person’s natural inclination is to ask the question, “What’s wrong with me”? It’s taken personally. When you begin to doubt yourself, you tend to erect walls around your heart to protect you from pain, either real or anticipated. Your current partner has done nothing to earn your mistrust but you are carrying baggage from past relationships and punishing him or her unfairly.

Viewing Your Partner as a Possession:
Once you commit to each other in a relationship, sometimes one or both partners start to view their significant other as a possession. You begin to call each other “my man,” “my woman,” “my husband” or “my wife.” People who view their partner as a possession feel perfectly justified dictating their partner’s behavior. Your partner may, at times, engage in behavior of which you do not approve.

If you are someone prone to jealousy, your best strategy is to stay present in the moment. Whenever you find yourself obsessing about things that may or may not have happened in the past, bring your conscious attention back to what you are doing in the moment. Similarly, if you are worrying about what might be happening in the future, reorient yourself to the present moment.

Are you living in the present, past or future?

Excerpt from Kim's forthcoming book,  Secrets of Successful Couples due for release in July 2010. Sign up for Kim's newsletter and receive a free chapter of the book!

Seasons of Love

Long-term committed relationships follow the pattern of the seasons and then begin again. The length of your relationship and the experiences you have shared determine how many seasons you have been through.

The Spring: Discover
This season can be awkward and exciting. You are getting to know a new person. When the discovery is fun and you appear to be compatible, it is very exciting. If you have a lot of differences or conflict early on, you may choose to end this relationship in the spring.

The Summer: Support
During the summer season, couples are spending more and more time together. They enjoy each other and share many things. Their relationship is progressing and they are very supportive of each other. Support is being someone’s best friend—seeing their faults and loving them anyway. Support is being positive about the things your lover wants to do, even if they don’t include you.

The Autumn:
Challenge In the autumn season, there are challenges to overcome. After the smooth sailing of the summer, autumn introduces new conditions into the relationship. Some possible relationship challenges include moving, the birth of a child, job or career changes, financial stressors, an affair, caring for elderly parents, children leaving home or death. Successfully navigating the autumn season means you face the challenge together, get through it and come out stronger on the other side.

The Winter: Renew
Winter is a time for renewal. After the challenge of the autumn season, it is time to regroup and restore your relationship’s equilibrium. If you have successfully navigated the challenges of autumn, then you and your partner need a dormant period to reconnect and assess how you are different individually and as a couple. Some couples will get through autumn and find they don’t have any basis left for a relationship. They will reenter the Alone Stage

And the seasons repeat, over and over again, for as long as the couple remains in a long-term committed relationship.  

When you consider the “Seasons of Love,” what season are you in and which mindset does it require: discover, support, challenge or renew?

Excerpt from Kim's forthcoming book,  Secrets of Successful Couples due for release in July 2010. Sign up for Kim's newsletter and receive a free chapter of the book!

What Do You Want?

When two people first explore a relationship with each other, there are several things to consider. Unfortunately, most couples get caught up in the electricity, the chemistry, of the relationship and really don’t attend to the foundation upon which they are standing to determine if there will be a good blending of foundations when they commit to being a couple. That foundation is built upon vision, mission and values.

It is important to examine these essential things, determining relatively quickly whether or not your partner shares a similar vision, mission and values.

This is the time when you have to get clear about what you really want, communicate those desires to your partner and determine if your partner is on the same page with you or at least in the same book!

One way to increase the odds that you will have a solid relationship is to check its foundation prior to making your commitment. Of course there are no guarantees but assessing and discussing your vision, mission and values will help determine if you could potentially be happy for a lifetime with your partner.

What is your vision? Your mission? Your values?

Excerpt from Kim's forthcoming book Secrets of Successful Couples due for release in July 2010. Sign up for Kim's newsletter and receive a free chapter of the book!

A Mother's Love

I find it hard to believe that 26 years ago today, I gave birth to my first-born child, Dave Thomas Olver, Jr. This child has turned into a man I couldn't be prouder of.

He has just built a house and handled all the details that went along with that. He has a sales job where he makes great money. He has excellent credit. He is a kind dog owner. He loves his brother. He helps his grandparents. He is cautious with women, knowing what he wants in life.

He has amazing traits. He can talk to anyone. I've seen him with young children, elderly folks and everyone in between. He has a gift. He is sensitive and cares about people. He will help anyone in need. He is a constant support to me.

On this day, and every day, I want him to know how proud I am of him and how very much I love and respect him. He is a wonderful man who deserves all the good life has to offer. Happy Birthday, Dave!

The Alone Stage: A Time for Introspection

If you are interested in creating the relationship you deserve, then you must become the best person you can be. Each successive relationship you engage in provides you with lessons and information upon which to reflect. If you are attracting the “wrong” people into your life, then perhaps it is because you are not the person you need to be in order to create a relationship with the person of your dreams.

The time between relationships is a time to look back on the past relationship to discover what that person was there to teach you about life, love and yourself. It’s a time of introspection to determine who you want to be in a relationship. I’m not talking about playing roles but I am talking about a genuine transformation of yourself into the person who deserves the relationship you seek.

If you are seeking a person to be loyal and to stand by you no matter what, then ask yourself the difficult question of whether or not you have those same traits and characteristics you seek? If there is something in your character that has caused you to be disloyal, then do some introspection to learn what you need to heal in order to become the person you truly want to be.

Relationships act as a mirror, showing us those things about ourselves we don’t want to see. When we welcome the information and seek to learn from it, doing so will move us closer in the direction of becoming who we want to be. What do you see in the mirror?

Excerpt from Kim's forthcoming book Secrets of Successful Couples due for release in July 2010