Inside Out Empowerment

Quote: Zig Ziglar

"The chief cause of failure and unhappiness is trading what you want most for what you want now."

--Zig Ziglar

Never is this quote more true than for people who are struggling to lose weight. We often trade that dessert, piece of chocolate or bag of potato chips for our long term goal of losing weight and becoming more physically fit. We must learn to put off momentary, fleeting satisfaction for the greater satisfaction of disciplining ourselves to accomplish the goals that will truly make a difference in our lives.

Take a look at our Weight Loss from the Inside Out report. It covers the basics of what is in the home study course.

Book Review: The Kaizen Way

The Kaizen Way: One Small Step Can Change Your Life
by Robert Maurer, Ph.D.

This book is applicable to many topics but I chose to review it now because I believe it can aptly be applied to starting over. The Kaizen Way is about accomplishing our goals one small step at a time. Kaizen is a Japanese word, whose essence is captured in the phrase, "A journey of a thousand miles must begin with the first step."---Lao Tzu. It simply means taking small, manageable steps toward your goal.

Dr. Maurer speaks about how kaizen and innovation are the two major strategies people use to create change. "Where innovation demands shocking and radical reform, all kaizen asks is that you take small, comfortable steps toward improvement."  Some people are more prone by their nature to act with the broad strokes of innovation but in my experience, sometimes when I stop something "cold turkey" or I vow to begin something religiously, I will do so for a short while and then, gradually drift back toward my old habits.

Dr. Maurer suggests kaizen when those habits we are attempting to change are extremely stubborn and/or when you have a degree of fear about making the necessary change. Taking small, baby steps is the way we "tiptoe past our fear," Dr. Maurer asserts.

This is what I believe makes kaizen the perfect approach for starting over. Our old habit of spending time with our loved one, thinking about him or her, loving him or her is a habit that is extremely stubborn to change. It's hard to just quit a person "cold turkey," especially when it wasn't our idea in the first place. And often there is a great degree of fear about starting over--fear of loneliness, fear of pity from others, fear of harsh judgments from others, fear of rejection from someone new, fear of never finding anyone, fear of intimacy with a new partner, fear of letting go of the original relationship, fear of realizing our "love" wasn't what we imagined it to be, fear of being hurt again and a host of other possible fears.

The best way to begin is just to begin. Ask yourself some kaizen questions. What's one small thing you can do to smile today? What's something you can do for five minutes every day where you will think of something other than your lost loved one? What's one small thing you can do to feel better about yourself today? If you weren't afraid of failing, what would you be doing? If you knew for a certainty that you would be meeting your "perfect" mate next month, what would you be doing differently today? What's one thing you like about being single again? If you were guaranteed not to fail, what's one small thing you would be doing differently? What's one small step you could take toward moving on with my life? What is one small thing that's special about you?

Another suggestion by Dr. Maurer is to create a mind sculpture. Mind sculpting is a lot like visualization but with an added strong emotional component. So, you would be imagining and visualizing a happy, fulfilled life either by yourself or with a new partner. Make sure when you are watching your "mental movie" that you are also experiencing each of your senses along with a strong, positive emotional component. Fill in the answer to what are you seeing? What do you taste, smell and hear? What do you touch or feel on your skin? And how are you feeling emotionally?

It may seem that small steps would only yield miniscule results, however, as Dr. Maurer explains one small step will lead to another and then to another until your fear response has been bypassed and then rapid change can occur. One day, you will look around and realize you have accomplished your goal and didn't even realize it. There are other techniques in this book: solve small problems, bestow small rewards and identify small moments. I recommend it as a book that can give you ideas for accomplishing goals that have been alluding you.

Click here to order this book.

Letting Go of Past Relationships

Before anyone can even begin to think about starting over, he or she must first let go of their previous relationship(s). So many times, people attempt to start over while still clinging to the hope that their prior partner will come to his or her senses and want to resume the relationship. As long as a person is harboring those kinds of feelings, it is incredibly difficult to start over.

If you truly want to start over, then in your heart and in your mind, you must let go of your past love. This can be done with great generosity of spirit and does not have to involve ill feelings of any kind. A person must realize that the relationship is over. Their previous partner has opted out of the relationship. The likelihood that they will be back is slim. Decide to cherish the time you did have together, learn whatever lesson it was you were supposed to learn and say a permanent goodbye to the couple part of your relationship. Grieve the loss if you must but let go of your prior relationship so that you give yourself a reasonable chance of successfully starting over.

Check out our Prepare to Love Again Home Study Course. Whether you have been widowed, are divorced or or just ending a relationship, this course can help you become ready to love again.

Quote: Acceptance and Letting Go

"There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go."

  ~Author Unknown

This quote is pretty self-explanatory and really speaks to the issues of grief and loss. I keep coming back to the thought that we always have three choices---leave it, change it or accept it.

Since your partner has already chosen to leave, the option of you leaving is not available in its truest sense. But you can decide to stop thinking about the relationship so you can mentally leave. Some have actually chosen a more permanent solution and have made attempts to kill themselves. I don't recommend this option because it is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I know the pain we experience when a loved one leaves us does subside with healing.

We can attempt to change it. This is when we engage in behavior to try to get our loved one back. I know the temptation is strong to choose this option and I even believe it doesn't hurt to make an attempt to see if your partner is really serious about his or her choice. However, when you cross the line to begging, crying, stalking and otherwise coercing your former partner into coming back, you are setting both of you up for continued misery.

If you are truly ready to try the last option of accepting it so you can heal and start over,  look at our home study course entitled, Prepare to Love Again.

Please share your own stories of acceptance and letting go below.

Book Review: Tuesdays with Morrie

Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom

This book is the story of a remarkable individual. First of all, I love how Mitch Albom writes. He truly captures the essence of his characters. In this particular book, his hero is a lifelong teacher of his, someone he genuinely admires and respects, even loves.

The story is a story of a remarkable man and teacher who continues to teach others how to live right up to the last moment. Morrie laughs, he reminisces, he focuses on what he can do, not what he can't. This man is an living example of true Inside Out Empowerment.

Some would read this book and say Morrie teaches about how to die. I read the book and say Morrie is a teacher of how to live! This is a great book.

Buy it here.

Grief and Starting Over Part Two

As I discussed in my last post, even when horrendous things happen in our lives, in retrospect, we can usually find something positive about what happened. There was a lesson or a gift. We may have been changed in some way that benefits us. We just have to begin to look for those positives when we are in moment instead of waiting for the benefit of hindsight.

In 1999, my husband died of leukemia when he was 37 years old, leaving behind our two sons ages 13 and 15.  Initially, there was no positive benefit I could see from that event at all.  However when I was ready to look for the positives, they did appear.

One of the first positives I saw is that I actually had the opportunity to say goodbye.  My husband's entire family had the opportunity to say the things they wanted to say to bring closure to their relationships with him. Many people do not have that opportunity when loved ones die. 

A second benefit is that when my husband learned he was sick, he stopped working.  He didn't stop because he was too sick. He stopped because there was some research link between his type of leukemia and the chemical benzene -- something he worked with at his job. 

Prior to his illness, my husband was a workaholic.  Once diagnosed, he began to spend lots of quality time with our children.  He coached soccer, coached Little League, taught our boys how to work on cars, and spent long hours with them hunting and fishing.  This would not have happened had he lived to be a hundred years old with his workaholic behavior. 

You too, can find the benefit in the loss of your last relationship. It merely involves putting on the proper lenses that will allow you to see it.  Just like in science, there can be no positive without the negative and no negative without the positive.  You can't have protons without electrons -- and you can't have a devastating event in your life without it also bringing some positive benefits. Healing and moving on requires these lenses.

While you continue to mourn the loss of your relationship, you're only staying stuck in the past.  Let's return to the Dr. Seuss quote mentioned in my last post.  Instead of mourning the loss of the relationship, focus on how fortunate you were to have that relationship in your life for as long as you did. 

There are no guarantees in this life.  When a loved one enters our life, there is no surety for how long he or she will stay.  They're not possessions to be owned, but rather our gift to be cherished for as long as we have it. 

One of the first steps to take in healing our grief is to reach out to others in our life who love us.  When someone we love leaves us, it creates a huge void in our life.  Some try to fill this void with drugs or alcohol, but that only results in a temporary reprieve from the pain. 

If love is what we lost, then the only thing that will help us to feel better is more love.  During this time you may confuse sex with love and go looking for meaningless encounters.  However, this again will only postpone the inevitability of the pain of the loss of love. 

We must replace love with love.  Reach out to friends, family and co-workers --- anyone who will fill some of the gap left by your loved one.  It's not the same, it's not what you are really craving, but it will help heal the pain. 

After that temporary reprieve with those who love us, you must start rebuilding your life and your strength.  You can go on.  You can laugh again.  And yes, you can love again.  Love has many forms.

You may develop another relationship in time.  You may find a cause that you love and believe in.  You may "adopt" a neighborhood child.  You may find or create work you love.  You may get a pet that you can love unconditionally.  You may become involved (but not too involved) in the lives of your extended family.  Whatever form love takes, it will fill the void that was left by the relationship you lost. 

But none of this will truly do the trick unless you learn to love yourself again.  How does one accomplish this task? You must take inventory.  Make a list of all that you have to offer the world.  What are your strengths? What are your interests? What are your talents and abilities? What do you love?  

If you're having difficulty completing your list, ask someone you trust for help.  An objective viewpoint can often point out positives of which we are unaware. 

And if, after taking this step, you are still unsure of your special talents and skills, then make a list of the person that you want to be.  What is it that you would like to be able to offer the world? Describe a person whom you admire and strive to emulate.  As long as there's breath in your body, it is never too late to learn to expand and grow to become the person that you truly want to be. 

If you feel as if your life is over, you are truly wasting the gift of life that you have been given.  There is only one you.  You have something unique inside you to offer the rest of us.  Please don't keep it hidden, lost in your grief

Do not climb in the grave with your loved one.  It is not your time.  Do not wither and die behind the door your loved one closed on his or her way out of your life.  Find someone less fortunate than you, and do something for them without expecting anything in return.  You'll be surprised what that does to elevate your mood. If you've already experienced this, please share your story.
 

If you or someone you care about is really ready to Start Again, then check out our home study course, Prepare to Love Again

 

Grief and Starting Over Part One

How does one start over after the loss of a loved one? It is a monumental task that just feels overwhelming at times. Similar rebuilding occurs after the death, divorce or separation of a loved one.

First comes the shock of the loss and an almost denial that is has happened, particularly if there was no warning. We have hopes and dreams of the future that include our loved one and suddenly he or she is not there. How will we cope? How can we go on?

But go on we must and we will. Often times our first step is to attempt to regain what we have lost. This is impossible if our loved one has died but that doesn't stop us from trying. A lot of what we go through in our grieving process is our best attempt to keep that person alive and well in our perception. So, we do things like go over the memories, look through picture albums, talk about our loved one to everyone who will listen, think about him or her every minute and even speak to him or her out loud.

If a loved one has not died, but has chosen to walk out of your life, it can be more challenging.  In this instance, you not only have to get over the shock of the loss but also cope with the feelings of rejection. 

In our best attempt to get our loved one back, we may engage in all the behaviors someone who has lost their partner to death would.  But in addition, we may beg them to take us back, follow our loved one around, try to get our friends to intervene on our behalf, and a host of other maladaptive behaviors. 

Everyone grieves at his or her own pace.  I am in no way suggesting that this process can or should be rushed.  What I am saying is that when a person is ready, he or she can turn the grief into a new hope for the future. 

There's a quote from Dr. Seuss I've learned that is very helpful during this phase. The quote is: "Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened." This is a highly evolved place to get to and not everyone gets there. 

However, if you find yourself in the process of starting over, adopting this particular attitude can be fairly helpful.  You would begin by brainstorming all the possible benefits of no longer being in relationship with the person who's gone.  This may seem uncomfortable at first, almost a betrayal of the love you shared, but it is the most healing thing you can do at this point. 

You may feel that moving on will, in some way, send the message that you didn't really love enough.  In an attempt to show the world how much you loved your partner, you use the depth of your grieving as the message.  And if you are someone who wants to continue grieving, then nothing I have to say will get in your way.  You don't even have to continue reading. 

This article is really for those people who are tired of being depressed, who are ready to start again and who want to actually believe that things can get better. 

If you or someone you care about is really ready to Start Again, then check out our home study course, Prepare to Love Again and come back and read my next post.

Daily Gratitude

Well, isn't this a great time to be alive! I know that in times of disaster, whether natural or man-made, we usually take time to count our blessings. We look at the masses of people affected by the enormity of certain catastrophes and thank our lucky stars, it wasn't us. While I feel nothing but sadness and empathy for those affected by these disasters, they also provide a time to remember the enormity of the generosity and compassion of the human spirit and an opportunity to be thankful for all those things we normally take for granted. Things like running water, modern plumbing, having our pets within easy reach, having our homes and belongings secure, and knowing where our loved one's are and that they are safe. It pretty much puts our petty day-to-day problems in perspective, doesn't it?

Why do we need to wait for disasters before we respond with gratitude for all that has been given to us? Wouldn't it be awesome to give daily thanks for all that we now take for granted? In all of that, the thing I think many of us are most guilty of is not fully expressing our appreciation for the loved ones in our lives. This month a 42 year-old man I know just died in his sleep. A friend of mine lost her 80 year-old mother. One cousin had a liver transplant and another cousin had brain surgery. My sister-in-law and niece narrowly escaped a serious car accident that could have taken their lives. The point is that there are no guarantees of tomorrow. Any of us could leave this world at any moment.

When was the last time you told your loved ones just how much you love and appreciate their involvement in your life? What are you waiting for?

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Book Review: The Last Lecture

The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch

If you haven't already read this book, you really owe it to yourself to pick it up. It is about what one man does with his life when he knows it is going to end prematurely. Somehow when we really understand our impending mortality, everything around us and our priorities become crystal clear. We take an assessment of how we've been spending our lives to that point and if discontent with what we see, we make some drastic changes.

The thing about this that strikes me is that every single one of us knows we are going to die. This is the one sure thing in life. No one, thus far, has escaped that inevitability. Yet, we live our lives as if they are never going to end and that we are promised tomorrow after tomorrow after tomorrow. We live carelessly and do things we would never do if we only knew our time was limited.

The interesting thing is: we DO know our time is limited. Some of us just happen to know with a greater degree of certainly when the end is coming. What would happen if you did your best to live every day as if it could be your last one? Would you spend it the way you are spending it or would you make some adjustments? If adjustments is the answer, then why not start today? It really could be your last one. We never know. . .