Step Two: Correct the Behavior
When you have accepted responsibility for your part in the affair, the next step is about corrective action. For the person who had the affair, this means ending the illicit relationship. For the other partner, it means making the committed relationship a priority over whatever else was taking precedence. If you are committed to your relationship, you will consciously and consistently make your commitment to your significant other a priority, regardless of what your partner does.
This is not time for a tit for tat situation. You don’t want to hold back action, waiting to see what your partner contributes; this would likely result in a stalemate. Once you have determined in Step One that you really want to get your relationship back on track, you don’t want to let anything get in the way of your ferocious determination to change whatever patterns of behavior lead to this situation.
If you were the one involved in the affair, end it with no thoughts of maintaining contact with the other person. If your partner is having difficulty trusting you, then be open about everything with him or her in an attempt to allay the fear. Allow your life to become an open book. Aim for transparency in the relationship.
If you were the partner engaged in a socially acceptable affair, then you must reprioritize your life so that your partner and your relationship become of paramount importance. Cut back on the time you spend working. Get some assistance with your children if they are monopolizing your time. Reduce the time you spend on other things and recommit to your primary relationship with your partner.
Excerpt from Kim's forthcoming book Secrets of Happy Couples: Loving Yourself, Your Partner and, Your Life.
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