Many people ask, “Can my relationship survive an affair”? My answer is yes when you follow the three- step process outlined below.
Step One: Prioritize Your Relationship
The first step is for both people to realize that their relationship is important enough for them to attempt to heal from the trauma. Consequently, both partners must recognize the role they each played in the breakdown of their relationship. Dr. Harville Hendrix says that in all his work with couples, he has never encountered a couple where only one partner was having an affair. He says that if you look below the surface you will find that the “victims” were having “affairs” of their own, but their “affairs” were more socially acceptable. Partners can have “affairs” with their children, their work, their extended family, their friends, their pets and other things. Any area of your life that takes precedence over your intimate, committed relationship can be considered an affair. However in most cultures, an intimate, sexual affair with another person is considered far more despicable than devoting too much time to one’s children or work. Society approves more of these distractions, thus vilifying the partner who has an intimate affair with another person.
Dr. Hendrix says, “Infidelity is a co-creation designed to regulate intimacy by acting out their anxiety in ways that involved them with other people. . . . There are always two affairs. They are always co-created.” If your partner had an affair and you consider yourself the “victim,” you may want to do some soul searching to determine if there was anything you were prioritizing over your relationship. This is not to place blame on you. It is merely to distribute the responsibility more evenly for what happened and equalize the efforts for repairing the damage. If you want your relationship to survive this affair and even grow stronger, then sharing the responsibility for what happened in your relationship is a healthy first step,
Step One: Prioritize Your Relationship
The first step is for both people to realize that their relationship is important enough for them to attempt to heal from the trauma. Consequently, both partners must recognize the role they each played in the breakdown of their relationship. Dr. Harville Hendrix says that in all his work with couples, he has never encountered a couple where only one partner was having an affair. He says that if you look below the surface you will find that the “victims” were having “affairs” of their own, but their “affairs” were more socially acceptable. Partners can have “affairs” with their children, their work, their extended family, their friends, their pets and other things. Any area of your life that takes precedence over your intimate, committed relationship can be considered an affair. However in most cultures, an intimate, sexual affair with another person is considered far more despicable than devoting too much time to one’s children or work. Society approves more of these distractions, thus vilifying the partner who has an intimate affair with another person.
Dr. Hendrix says, “Infidelity is a co-creation designed to regulate intimacy by acting out their anxiety in ways that involved them with other people. . . . There are always two affairs. They are always co-created.” If your partner had an affair and you consider yourself the “victim,” you may want to do some soul searching to determine if there was anything you were prioritizing over your relationship. This is not to place blame on you. It is merely to distribute the responsibility more evenly for what happened and equalize the efforts for repairing the damage. If you want your relationship to survive this affair and even grow stronger, then sharing the responsibility for what happened in your relationship is a healthy first step,
When you both accept your responsibility in the co-creation of the affair, are truly interested in repairing the damage done, and make saving the relationship your priority, then you have taken the first step. Whenever you experience doubt, fear, or anger along the way, remind yourself of your highest goal: repairing your relationship.
Excerpt from Kim's forthcoming book Secrets of Happy Couples: Loving Yourself, Your Partner and, Your Life.
Check back for Step 2 of Three Steps to Surviving an Affair
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