In my work, I am often asked the question about if it’s possible to make a relationship work after an affair and if so, how. Every relationship expert I interviewed agreed that relationships can definitely survive and even get stronger after an affair.
Couples have been able to move past an affair or even multiple affairs when the benefits from their relationship outweigh the difficulty they experience from accepting the affairs. Whether or not you believe you would ever be in this situation yourself, it has worked for many couples.
There may be any number of reasons to stay in a relationship where infidelity is occurring. Both partners might still admit they are happy and satisfied with their relationship because they are getting what they want and need from the relationship.
Many who ask me the question, how can a relationship survive an affair are really asking how can I regain the trust I once had? Trust is actually a verb. It’s not something your partner earns or loses. It’s a decision you make that can be seen in your thoughts and behavior. Trusting really comes down to which is most important to you—trust or self-protection?
If you are more concerned with keeping yourself safe, you probably won’t trust because you are afraid of being hurt. However, can you really protect yourself from pain? Won’t you still be hurt to learn of a loved one’s deception? Without trust, you will never achieve that level of intimacy a trusting relationship provides. What will you really lose by trusting?
The most important thing, though, is to not lose respect in yourself. You are a worthy person. Spend some time engaging in some self-nurturing behavior. Learn to love yourself again. Your self-esteem cannot be based on the whims and fantasies of another person.
Excerpt from Kim's forthcoming book, Secrets of Successful Couples due for release in July 2010. Sign up for Kim's newsletter and receive a free chapter of the book!
Couples have been able to move past an affair or even multiple affairs when the benefits from their relationship outweigh the difficulty they experience from accepting the affairs. Whether or not you believe you would ever be in this situation yourself, it has worked for many couples.
There may be any number of reasons to stay in a relationship where infidelity is occurring. Both partners might still admit they are happy and satisfied with their relationship because they are getting what they want and need from the relationship.
Many who ask me the question, how can a relationship survive an affair are really asking how can I regain the trust I once had? Trust is actually a verb. It’s not something your partner earns or loses. It’s a decision you make that can be seen in your thoughts and behavior. Trusting really comes down to which is most important to you—trust or self-protection?
If you are more concerned with keeping yourself safe, you probably won’t trust because you are afraid of being hurt. However, can you really protect yourself from pain? Won’t you still be hurt to learn of a loved one’s deception? Without trust, you will never achieve that level of intimacy a trusting relationship provides. What will you really lose by trusting?
The most important thing, though, is to not lose respect in yourself. You are a worthy person. Spend some time engaging in some self-nurturing behavior. Learn to love yourself again. Your self-esteem cannot be based on the whims and fantasies of another person.
Trusting has so much more to do with who you are as a person than it does with who your partner is. When you are secure in yourself and know you are worthy to receive love, then it is natural to trust, even if that trust has been violated.
If you want more trust in your life, you have to be more trusting and more worthy of trust. You can’t get from others what you don’t possess yourself. Change begins with you.
When you look inside out, you ask yourself, “Am I a trustworthy person? ”
Excerpt from Kim's forthcoming book, Secrets of Successful Couples due for release in July 2010. Sign up for Kim's newsletter and receive a free chapter of the book!
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