Inside Out Empowerment

The Solving Circle

Most of the time when couples go to a counselor or coach for help with their relationship, they are in a toxic pattern of external control. Couples are spending the vast majority of their time complaining about, criticizing and blaming each other. They have long ago stopped listening to each other and are locked in a never-ending battle to get their own way—which usually means changing their partner.

Dr. Glasser uses the process of structured reality therapy to work through this problem. It is simply a series of five questions answered alternately by both members in the couple. There are ground rules. The main rule is that while your partner is speaking, your only job is to listen and attempt to understand what your partner is saying from his or her perspective.

The first question is, “Are you here because you genuinely want help with your relationship?” This question is designed to weed out those people who are only coming to counseling to appease their significant other.

If both people answer yes to the first question, then they are asked the second question, “Whose behavior can you control?” This question is designed to help people come to understand the only person whose behavior they can control is their own.

Once the couple agrees they can’t control each other, then they are asked the third question. “Explain what’s wrong with your relationship.” This discussion can become quite lively with multiple interruptions.

After each person has listened to the other’s complaints about their relationship, the fourth question is, “Now, tell me what’s right about your relationship”? This question is designed to get the couple back in touch with why they care about salvaging their relationship at all.

Then the final question is, “What’s one thing you can do all this week that will help your relationship”?  In asking the question as stated above, the helper is asking each person in the relationship to make a gift of what he or she is willing to do to help the relationship.

Any couple can evoke the power of the “Solving Circle” at any time. All it takes is one person in the relationship to be unhappy about something within the relationship. That person then asks his or her partner if the partner would be willing to join him or her in the “circle.”

This is a tool that can be used for life. All that is required is a commitment to strengthen the relationship above individual needs.

Are you willing to invite your partner into the "Solving Circle"?

Excerpt from Kim's forthcoming book,  Secrets of Happy Couples due for release in July 2010. Sign up for Kim's newsletter and receive a free chapter of the book!

Trust

In my work, I am often asked the question about if it’s possible to make a relationship work after an affair and if so, how. Every relationship expert I interviewed agreed that relationships can definitely survive and even get stronger after an affair.

Couples have been able to move past an affair or even multiple affairs when the benefits from their relationship outweigh the difficulty they experience from accepting the affairs. Whether or not you believe you would ever be in this situation yourself, it has worked for many couples.

There may be any number of reasons to stay in a relationship where infidelity is occurring. Both partners might still admit they are happy and satisfied with their relationship because they are getting what they want and need from the relationship.

Many who ask me the question, how can a relationship survive an affair are really asking how can I regain the trust I once had? Trust is actually a verb. It’s not something your partner earns or loses. It’s a decision you make that can be seen in your thoughts and behavior. Trusting really comes down to which is most important to you—trust or self-protection?

If you are more concerned with keeping yourself safe, you probably won’t trust because you are afraid of being hurt. However, can you really protect yourself from pain? Won’t you still be hurt to learn of a loved one’s deception? Without trust, you will never achieve that level of intimacy a trusting relationship provides. What will you really lose by trusting?

The most important thing, though, is to not lose respect in yourself. You are a worthy person. Spend some time engaging in some self-nurturing behavior. Learn to love yourself again. Your self-esteem cannot be based on the whims and fantasies of another person.

Trusting has so much more to do with who you are as a person than it does with who your partner is. When you are secure in yourself and know you are worthy to receive love, then it is natural to trust, even if that trust has been violated.

If you want more trust in your life, you have to be more trusting and more worthy of trust. You can’t get from others what you don’t possess yourself.  Change begins with you.

When you  look inside out, you ask yourself, “Am I a trustworthy person? ”

Excerpt from Kim's forthcoming book,  Secrets of Successful Couples due for release in July 2010. Sign up for Kim's newsletter and receive a free chapter of the book!

Hi

I'm sorry to bother you once more but I've had a meeting with my copy writer regarding my book title: Secrets of Successful Couples: Loving You, Loving Your Partner, Loving Your Life and he thinks we can do better.

He came up with four other options that you can see at Help Me Pick My New Title, along with our original title. I am asking you to vote one more time for your absolute favorite, the one you would be most likely to pick from a book store shelf.

I sure understand if you don't want to participate. Many of you already helped me once. This is it! Whatever you decide will be the answer. The book will be available in July. I hope you'll help me find the perfect title.

And The Winner Is...........

Hi

The winner of the survey for the subtitle for my new book, Secrets of Successful Couples, with more than 50% of the vote is.....Loving You, Loving Your Partner, Loving Your Life.

Coming in second and third: Create, Maintain and Enhance the Relationship of Your Dreams and Finding Respect, Love and Understanding.

I want to thank all of you who participated in the survey.

If you haven't done so already go to http://www.insideoutempowerment.com/signup.html to receive a free chapter of my book.

Thanks again!

Whose Problem is This, Anyway?

In relationships, it is not uncommon for couples to have difficulties. Oftentimes, people poorly define a problem in their lives and either accept a problem as their own when it isn’t or they take a problem that is theirs and demand someone else fix it.

The majority of human relationship suffering comes from individuals having a problem with someone else and they create their own misery by attempting to force someone else to “fix” their problem. Failure to take responsibility for the solution to our own problems results in misery and frustration. Proper problem definition is critical to the success of developing quality relationships.

However, what commonly happens is that if I am upset by something you do, then I am certain YOU are the problem and I am going to do everything with in my power to ensure you understand just how much of a problem you are. I am taking my problem and trying my hardest to make it your problem.

If you are on the receiving end of my frustration, you have three common responses. You can ignore my attempts at making you responsible for my issue, you can accept it’s your problem and attempt to fix it, or you can fight back and resist my attempts to make you the guilty party.

The only two ways it’s possible to have a winning outcome is either for the person with the problem to ask for a change in the other person and that person agrees and implements the change because he or she understands and agrees with the request.  Or the person who is most upset comes to accept the problem belongs to him or her. Instead of trying to get your partner to fix your problem, accept responsibility for its solution.

If you truly love this person, then accept him or her as he or she is. Stop trying to change your partner. Fix the things that annoy you gratefully. Be happy that you have this wonderful person in your life.

So... Whose problem is it?

Excerpt from Kim's forthcoming book,  Secrets of Successful Couples due for release in July 2010. Sign up for Kim's newsletter and receive a free chapter of the book!